Monday Apr 26 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country.

One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours.

President Obama gave a speech about his plans to reform Wall Street. In an embarrassing moment, the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security and had to empty his pockets — and five Republican senators fell out.

The U.S. Treasury issued its new $100 bill. They had to come up with a new one because China has all the old ones.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York Yankees visited the White House this week. Everyone from the champion team was there, except for Kate Hudson.

It was a beautiful day. President Obama charged everyone $25 for a hot dog and a warm beer.

It was quite a change for the Yankees, going from the house that Ruth built to the house that Bush wrecked.

Here in New York, the Yankees are champions, but in Arizona, they would be deported.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

"What's a memoir?"
"Is 36 pages enough?"
"You know who was a great band? Foghat!"
"Taco break!"
"How cool is it that I was president? Come on, up high!"
"Jerky break!"
"Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball. And no gimmies. All ropes!"
"What? Ricky Martin's gay?"
"Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'ew'?"
"Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I’m excited just to hear him pronounce the word “memoirs.”

This is supposed to be an incredibly honest account of the key decisions in the president’s life. There’s a whole chapter dedicated to “smooth vs. crunchy.”

Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out on Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head turned slightly from the camera, or as Bush calls it, "posing all serious-like."

The book is called “Decision Points,” and 1,000 signed copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one says, “Thanks for reading about my decisions — Sincerely, Dick Cheney.”

President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. Derek Jeter said, “You never get tired of meeting the president.” And then John McCain said, “Eh, I’m pretty much over it.”

A radical Islamic cleric said that women who wear revealing clothing are responsible for earthquakes. In response, scientists said, “Worth it."

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