Thursday Apr 22 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy Earth Day, or as they say in Iceland, “What On Earth Day. ”

Everyone says we need to do more to protect the Earth. With volcanoes, mudslides, earthquakes, hurricanes — who’s protecting us from the Earth?

To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all over the country today risked their lives driving Priuses.

A lot of people recycled plastic today, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means remarrying your ex-wife.

Late Show with David Letterman

Sarah Palin celebrated Earth Day today by shooting wolves from a helicopter.

Apparently, 221 years ago, George Washington checked out some books and never returned them. And you think you know somebody.

Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. He says he’s had enough and he wants to spend more time judging his family.

President Obama is here in New York City to announce his peace initiative for Larry King and his wife.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Features Of The New Madden NFL 11 Video Game

You can play it on Xbox, Playstation, Wii and some microwave ovens
It comes with a coupon for free ACL or MCL surgery
Everyone's named "Ochocinco"
Electronic pants let you feel every groin pull
Between possessions, Peyton is shooting commercials
In the last two minutes of the half, Donkey Kong throws barrels at you
Whenever he drops a pass, Terrell Owens cries
They boosted the gigabytes or pixels or some crazy stuff like that
I guarantee playing this game will make you an NFL player within three months!
I'm on the cover — what more could you possibly need to know?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Three bisexual men are suing a gay softball league. Apparently the league told them they couldn’t play because they are “not gay enough.” I think, if you’re a man and you’re suing over not being allowed to play softball, you’re already gay enough.

Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it’s Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we’re running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie “Avatar” is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says “save the planet” like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren’t convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don’t believe Obama was born at all.

Vice President Biden appeared on “The View.” They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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