I am so stupid, I made a big mistake. I sent my taxes to Russia, and my adopted kid to the IRS.
In case anyone in Los Angeles is wondering, the volcano ash hasn’t made it over here yet — that’s just our air.
President Obama has cut the space program and we will no longer be sending men to the moon. There has been one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, she had such a good year that she was able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska.
I’m aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. I know that.
The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city’s air quality is actually improving.
Thousands of tourists are stranded in Europe, but it’s giving the passengers the opportunity to go share a bar stool with one of the pilots.
The Museum of Modern Art has a display featuring naked people, which costs about 15 bucks. If I want to see naked people, I’ll just go down to the subway.
A woman in Ohio says she opened a can of SpaghettiOs and found a dead rat. You know what’s even more disgusting — she also found SpaghettiOs.
The airports in Europe are closed due to the volcano erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.
You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.
The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an “ice-hole,” but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it’s more of an “ash-hole.”
A volcano in Iceland has shut down air travel all across Europe. Apparently they dumped too much baking soda and vinegar into the thing and it just won’t stop erupting.
President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland, and this morning he said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon. And the volcano said the same thing about him.
The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered.
Today is Jesse James’ birthday. He’s the soon-to-be-ex-husband of Sandra Bullock, and he’s 41 today. Reservation for one please.