It’s April 15, the day we all curse like Joe Biden.
President Obama turned in his tax return today. He didn’t owe a lot because he has a lot of dependents: his wife, two daughters, AIG, General Motors, Goldman Sachs.
It’s being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. In fact, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe-bomb at Payless.
More and more men are coming forward claiming they were sexually harassed by former congressman Eric Massa. It’s getting so bad that Massa is considering going into the Vatican protection program.
More details are coming out about Larry King’s divorce. I’m friendly with Larry King and making fun of him would be wrong. So I’m going to do the right thing — and stop being friends with him.
Apparently, Larry’s estranged wife says he cheated on her with her sister. He probably just didn’t have on his glasses.
Larry has been married eight times. Liz Taylor was also married eight times. Both Taylor and King are single right now, and scientists are saying this is the first time that has happened in over 200 years.
If no one paid their taxes, imagine what it would be like: America would be broke — more broke.
It was tax day today. Don’t forget to set your bank account back $10,000 tonight.
The government wants us to count how many people live in our home, and then to calculate how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry Grandma, we’ll get you back.
A volcano erupted in Iceland a couple days ago and it’s still going. Researchers say this is the only interesting thing that has ever happened in Iceland.
Larry King has filed for divorce from his wife, Shawn. He may have thought he was filing taxes, I don’t know.
At a tea party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said, “Shoot, look at what you did in January, you shook up the United States Senate.” Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing because after she said “shoot,” three hundred guns went off.
Larry King and his wife are ending their marriage. In divorce papers, Larry King requested joint custody of his two sons. But it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.
In 2012, a cruise line is going to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking with a special nine-day cruise to the site of the disaster. It's on a brand new ship called the “S.S. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”
Scientists in Britain have created embryos with the DNA of one man and two women. It's the closest any of those scientists will ever get to an actual threesome.