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Tuesday Apr 13 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The president of China, Hu Jintao, is in Washington this week. It’s caused a bit of controversy, as President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to — the rent is going to be late again this month.

John Paul Stevens, an 89-year-old Supreme Court justice, has announced he is retiring. He’s going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices had to keep reminding him to close his robe.

People were surprised that Tiger Woods came in 4th place at the Masters. Tiger said his back swing wasn’t working. After the past year, I’m surprised his back was working at all.

The Vatican is updating its policy on sexual abuse. They are now against it.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Al Gore was ambushed for an interview with Fox News and he refused to do the interview. What’s wrong with you, Fox News? If you want to interview Al Gore, just leave a trail of ham into the studio.

Tonight is the season premiere of “Deadliest Catch.” It’s a show about crab fisherman in the Gulf of Alaska in the frigid waters between North America and Asia. And up there, if the sun hits just right, from their boats they can see both Russia and Sarah Palin’s house.

I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.

I won’t eat anything that’s too ugly or too cute. I won’t eat rabbits or chickens or Justin Bieber.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million this year. That is a lot of money for someone that can’t say words that end in “g.”

They say $12 million is a conservative estimate, but she may have made more. Yet she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy.

Adam Lambert is the celebrity mentor on “American Idol.” I’m pretty sure they’ve given up on the contestants this year, when the mentor is the guy that lost last year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I just read that the number of female multi-millionaires has risen by 40 percent in the last five years. Most did it through hard work and innovation, while other women just promised Tiger they wouldn’t say anything.

In a new interview with Playboy, Eliot Spitzer’s call girl Ashley Dupré said that Tiger Woods’ mistresses are wrong for coming forward. So I hope you heard that, ladies. You used bad judgment, according to a prostitute.

President Obama announced that in 2012 he’s going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That's like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James' rehab facility.

Last week, two escaped prisoners in Argentina got away from police by disguising themselves as sheep. Guards said they should have known something was up, when they saw two sheep walking out of a prison.

 
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