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Thursday Apr 08 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The mayor of L.A. wants to shut down city agencies two days a week. I have a better idea — why don’t we shut down the mayor’s office five days a week?

The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has called President Obama a big bully. When you’re 5 feet 2 inches tall, everyone seems like a bully.

Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol is speaking out. She realizes that she was totally unprepared to be a mother. It’s better than being a mother that’s totally unprepared to be vice president.

A new survey shows that an obese man is more likely to suffer serious injury from a car crash than a normal weight man. Unless, of course, the obese man falls on top of the normal weight man.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president. Fox News said it was a summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.

The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we’ve really been “frienemies” this whole time.

When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It’s waxy, it’s falling apart — it’s like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I watched golf today. It’s boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around.

Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized.

Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It’s funny that she’s going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, “Drill, baby, drill.”

Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby “Tripp,” with two p’s, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tiger Woods made his return to golf at the Masters today. While talking about Tiger, the tournament chairman said, “This year will not be just for him, but for all of us who believe in second chances.” Then someone whispered in his ear and he was like "I'm sorry — 17th chances. All of us who believe in 17th chances."

United Airlines and U.S. Airways are in talks to merge, creating one of the world’s largest airlines. You know how this works, first the merger will be announced. Then it’ll be delayed. Then they’ll give everybody a free hotel room and then you’re on standby for another announcement.

Apple is admitting that its iPad sometimes has a hard time connecting to the Internet, and some people are returning them. That’s just wrong. If I returned everything that had trouble connecting to the Internet, my grandparents would be in big trouble.

Archaeologists in Greece found the oldest man-made structure in a prehistoric cave. Meanwhile, archaeologists in Beverly Hills found the youngest man-made structure having dinner with her husband, Spencer Pratt.

 
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