Tuesday Apr 06 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn’t have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.

As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they’re thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.

President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.

The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he’ll be a happy drunk.

Late Show with David Letterman

Sarah Palin was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nevada. Because nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.

Guess who arrived in New York City today — King Tut. He came down the baggage carousel at JFK and he will finally be reunited with Queen Latifah.

Allergies are so bad in New York right now, drug dealers are trying to change crystal meth back into Sudafed.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I don’t really follow college basketball, so when I heard that Duke beat Butler, I thought it must be a scandal at Buckingham Palace.

In 2001, a blind American climber reached the summit of Mount Everest. At least that’s what they told him.

Kathmandu is very commercialized these days. Do you know what’s on top of Mount Everest? A Starbucks. It doesn’t have a bathroom, but the Starbucks next door to it does.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn’t really consider himself a “maverick.” What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn’t think of himself as a maverick? I’ll tell you what kind — a maverick.

The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there’s a new app that lets you burn them.

It was Beatles night on “American Idol.” Some of the worst performers of all time paid tribute to some of the best performers of all time.

Having the “Idol” contestants sing Beatles songs is a bad idea. It’s like having “spandex night” on “Biggest Loser.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Spirit Airlines has become the first airline in the U.S. to charge passengers for carry-on luggage, $45 to put a bag in the overhead bin. Which is odd, because if you had an extra 90 bucks to spend, you probably wouldn't be flying Spirit Airlines.

KFC is about to unveil a new sandwich called the “Double Down.” It’s two chicken breasts in place of bread and in between that is jack cheese and bacon. I forgot to mention one other thing it comes with — the knowledge that you've simply given up.

Last week, a pizza delivery man in Harlem managed to fight off two robbers with a gun and still deliver two pizzas to their destination. Stoners are already calling him the “Captain Sully” of munchies.

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