Wednesday Mar 31 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Today, President Obama canceled the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids will be on the White House lawn drilling for oil.

Obama has opened up to drilling along the Florida coast. Environmentalists say that it’s a protected habitat. Not for marine life, but for Cuban swimmers.

Iran’s top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA, and he has frightening information. He says Iran was just weeks away from developing their own Toyota Prius.

Karl Rove was heckled at a book-signing by war protestors and he quickly snuck out the side door. Finally, somebody from the Bush administration with an exit strategy.

Late Show with David Letterman

The bad news: The subway crime in New York City is completely out of control. The good news: Your third visit to the emergency room is free.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he feels safe riding on the subway. I want to know how he gets his bullet-proof limo into the subway.

Apparently the Republicans spent more than $2,000 at a sex club. Now there’s your stimulus package.

Pamela Anderson was on “Dancing With the Stars.” She was doing the Cha-cha when Ricky Martin cut in. Then he left with her partner.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Oil Drilling Plan

Everyone in America gets a free Sunoco travel mug
Promises not to kill any endangered animals except the really tasty ones
Kids drill free
Drilling won't affect Scott Brown's visit to the beach (Video of naked couple on beach)
Most extensive exploratory undertaking since Harry Smith's colonoscopy
What? Ricky Martin's gay?
Fifty barrels of oil reserved each year for Mitt Romney's hair — Zing!
Boys at Halliburton seem happy, which is good enough for us!
Provision for drilling the sun for solar power
Drilling will begin in Glenn Beck's yard
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Al Gore’s birthday today. He ate a giant cake and a gallon of ice cream, and then realized that it’s his birthday.

In Geneva, scientists are celebrating because they’ve got a new multi-billion dollar atom-smasher there and it’s giving us information on how the universe began. I’m thinking that they could have saved the money and just asked Larry King.

Sarah Palin is hosting a show on Fox News, where she will be interviewing celebrity guests. Hold on, Palin. There’s only room for one perky, middle-aged woman who interviews celebrities on television and that’s me.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A photo of Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, doing a Nazi salute has been released. They said he’s a history buff. I would have dressed like Lincoln, but that’s just me.

James is now in sex rehab. “I’m addicted to sex” is the new, grown-up version of “A dog ate my homework.”

It was elimination night tonight on “American Idol.” Inmates on death row get eliminated in a more expedient fashion than the contestants on this show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This Jesse James story keeps getting worse. Now, his fifth mistress says she’s planning to go public. And I guess Tiger Woods is feeling the heat of competition. He just announced that he’s quitting golf again so he can concentrate on his affairs.

Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with “real-life tales of overcoming adversity.” She should do a story about that guy who became the first black president.

Scientists just discovered that toads can provide early warning of an earthquake by suddenly leaving their mating sites. But how can they tell the difference between an earthquake warning and a toad doing the walk of shame?

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