Tuesday Mar 23 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama signed the landmark healthcare reform bill into law, or as Obama calls it, the “Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.”

The president had to change his motto from “Yes, we can,” to “Yes, we finally did something.”

This couldn’t have been done without the help of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and today the president thanked her for her unblinking support.

A lot of right-wingers are very upset because they believe this healthcare bill will cost a lot of money. They should just pretend it’s another unnecessary war.

Late Show with David Letterman

Isn’t the weather lousy? Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, just like Glenn Beck.

A lot of people are unhappy about healthcare reform. Personally, I loved paying huge premiums and driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs.

The 2010 Census is coming up. There are some changes this year. Under gender, you can choose between male, female, or Gaga.

You have to include everyone that lives in your house, or even sleeps part-time in your house. You know, like Sandra Bullock’s husband.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was announced today that pigeons will be getting their own reality TV show. Well, finally!

The show will be on Animal Planet and Mike Tyson will host it. Mike Tyson collects pigeons the way Fabio collects my fan mail.

I don’t like pigeons. I don’t like birds at all, ever since I watched that scary movie, ”March of the Penguins.”

Pigeons can also be used as messengers. They can fly at speeds up to 60 mph. The danger is, they can’t stop in time. They’re like flying Toyotas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Republicans are not happy about the healthcare bill passing. Sen. John McCain called the process the “most unsavory Chicago sausage-making” that he has seen in all his years. First of all, there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage.

McCain also said there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. That’s like the coyote announcing that he’s no longer cooperating with the roadrunner.

A new Harris Poll reveals that 24 percent of Republicans believe Obama is the antichrist. Yea right, like Oprah would date the antichrist.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

No matter what your political party, this week we saw a great American do something many said couldn't be done. That's right, Buzz Aldrin did the Cha-cha on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama’s presidential library, because that’s where he was born and raised. Because when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, “I gotta hit the library.”

Have you guys been watching March Madness? The “Sweet 16” starts on Thursday, and I can hardly wait. Although part of me wishes there were just 13 teams so they could call it a “Bar Mitzvah.”

A girl in New York whose parents were on “Wife Swap” is suing the show for 100 million dollars for making her look like a spoiled brat. Note to girl: guess what else makes you look like a spoiled brat? Being 15 and suing for a hundred million dollars.

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