Monday Mar 15 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was on this day that Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by members of the senate, ironically, while pleading for healthcare.

President Obama turned the heat up on Congress to pass healthcare reform. He’s telling Democrats if they don’t vote for this bill, he will campaign for them in November.

President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.

As part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They’re so lifelike, Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.

Late Show with David Letterman

Everyone is exhausted from daylight-saving. You actually lose two hours, if you include the one you’re losing right now.

Everyone moved their clocks ahead, including the Taliban. They moved it up to the 11th century.

President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters per day calling him an idiot. I said, “Welcome to the club.”

In all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter

You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
You answer the phone: "Twello?"
You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
You haven't touched your CB radio in months
You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
You sleep-tweet
No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, the Chicago River was dyed green in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Also in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, New York’s East River will remain green.

In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the “No Child Left Behind” law. It will now be called, “The World Needs Janitors Too.”

President Obama talked about healthcare reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio today. The most common question he got, “When’s bingo?”

In his new interview, Gov. Paterson said he hired a criminal defense lawyer not because he’s guilty of anything, but to get “the best possible advice.” That sounds believable. That’s like telling your girlfriend you got an STD test just because you were bored.

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