Wednesday Mar 10 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was so windy tonight, Toyota drivers were able to stop by driving into the wind.

Toyota is dealing with these problems. They’ve added a 3-D heads-up display that automatically comes on above 90 mph, so you can see your whole life flash before your eyes.

New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it’s not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it’s Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.

Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn’t show them on the air. Now if you’re trying to convince people you’re not gay, you probably shouldn’t show your big book of naked sailors.

Late Show with David Letterman

Everybody is still talking about the Academy Awards. You know why? It’s because the show is still going on.

Here in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg is always thinking and he’s come up with a plan to save gas, by having people share a cab. Personally, I don’t even like sharing a cab with the driver.

Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn’t breathe. Dick Cheney said, “We should have tried that at Gitmo.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'

“Can I get paid in shampoo?”
“Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?”
“Should I bring my attorney?”
“Do I have anything better to do?”
“Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?”
“Can I get paid in conditioner?”
“Haven’t I been through enough?”
“How about my own show, ‘The Haircut Ref?’”
“How come I’m not a governor and Paterson is?”
“Will my hair get along with Trump’s hair?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today on “The Early Show,” Harry Smith got a live colonoscopy. I am so proud to be a part of this network.

Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 78 today. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but he broke his hand trying to cut the cake.

There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying “Obama wages jihad on fisherman,” and NPR says “Obama protects aquatic unicorns,” and I don’t know who to believe.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task.

Sure, we’ve all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we’ve all played “Kill the old guy.” In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun.

If you’re wondering why we don’t have healthcare, it’s because there’s too much tickling in Congress.

The Miami Herald is reporting that the city of Miami will host the next season of “Jersey Shore” on MTV. If there’s one thing the city of Miami has been lacking, it’s half-naked idiots with spray tans.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa.

Facebook has a new application that helps users quit smoking. After that, people can move on to finding a cure for their other addiction — Facebook.

Last week, the temperature was in the 20s and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. It’s crazy, I keep having to change my outfit and my position on global warming.

Here in New York, 31 life-sized statues will be placed on rooftops as part of a public art installation. That’s good to know, just so I don’t spend 30 minutes yelling “Don’t do it!” at a chunk of iron.

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