Tuesday Mar 09 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is down, which is surprising. You would think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated.

Democratic Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid says that it’s good news that only 36,000 jobs were lost in February. Think of how happy he’ll be in November when he loses his job.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh says that he will leave the United States if healthcare reform passes. Well, if that doesn’t get the Democrats to rally, nothing will.

As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.

Late Show with David Letterman

The oldest person in the world died today. She was 114. Well, I didn’t see that coming.

They’re recalling the cheeseburger-flavored Pringles because they might contain salmonella. Shouldn’t they be recalled because they’re cheeseburger-flavored Pringles?

Two years ago this week, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned. Luckily, we had a qualified backup to step right in, so everything is fine now.

The problem with current New York Gov. David Paterson is that he might have violated ethics laws. Isn’t that one of the qualifications to be governor?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Rahm Emanuel Is Nuts

Every morning he takes a leak off the Truman balcony
President Obama smokes cigarettes; Rahm eats them
Spotted today at Toyota dealership
He's leaving Obama to become a special adviser to Richard Nixon
In a fit of rage, he snapped Dennis Kucinich in half
Changing his name to Rahm Emanuel Lewis
Refers to every Cabinet official as "Clarkie"
Recently got into a heated policy debate with his stapler
You mean, besides walking around D.C. naked?
Even Andy Dick is telling him to chill
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

On “The Early Show” tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they’re already planning the spinoff show, “How I Met Your Rectum.”

The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of “CSI.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s been a rough year for Toyota. They’ve launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car.

Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand.

The judges on “American Idol” are complaining that all of the contestants sound like they’re doing Karaoke. Because if there’s anything “American Idol” is not, it’s Karaoke.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House unveiled its official eggs for the 2010 Easter Egg Roll. The eggs come in purple, pink, green, and why are we talking about Easter eggs and not healthcare?

Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time in his presidency that anything has gotten passed.

In San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Toyota Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 mph. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into a Toyota going in the opposite direction.

Nature’s Variety is recalling chicken-flavored pet food because it may contain salmonella. In the meantime, dogs will have to settle for their other favorite food: anything.

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