Monday Mar 08 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for “The Hurt Locker,” about the Iraq war. But she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could have never been made: Bush and Cheney.

It was a very long show. Halfway through, you could see the Botox start wearing off.

As you know, this year they expanded the Best Picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage was expanded to include President Obama’s healthcare program.

Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is 74 years old. He’s getting up there. The nurse has to cut his crack into little pieces now.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Academy Awards show was so long this year that they had to keep adding to the montage of dead actors.

Congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow. She is the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Director, but in the defense of the Academy, a woman has always won in the category of Best Actress.

George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. It’s going to be a big, thick book, but it’s great because you can step on it to reach up to a better book.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards

"Only six more hours to go"
"Well, if you have to lose to somebody, at least it's your ex-wife"
"What this ceremony needs is a tedious interpretive dance number"
"What is Sean Penn always so angry about?"
"Did that 'Inglourious Basterds' guy just thank Hitler?"
"The list of dead actors at the Golden Globes is a good predictor of who will still be dead tonight"
"Did 'Crocodile Dundee' win?"
"No No. 3 — writer still watching Academy Awards — will this show ever end?"
"When does curling begin?"
"Psst . . . Wake up!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The oldest person in America passed away today at the age of 114. She was only 98 when the Oscars started.

In most cultures around the world, old people are respected. Here, we honor them by taping them doing stupid things and putting it on Youtube.

Denial of death is very big in our culture. In fact, we all die eventually. We’re not all going to keep going and going. We’re humans, not Toyotas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s exhausting winning an Oscar. First you have to do a speech, then you have to do interviews, take pictures, then you go to parties to do more interviews and more pictures, then you have to do drugs . . .

In the morning, after the parties, you wake up with Oprah.

The winner was “The Hurt Locker.” No Academy Award-winning movie has ever been seen by fewer people. I think two people saw it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Did everyone watch the Oscars last night? Or as I like to call it, James Cameron's own personal "Hurt Locker."

It was a big night for "The Hurt Locker," which, of course, is a film about the war in Iraq. I guess that explains why Obama called the director and was like, "Uh, how did you end it?"

President Obama is going to hold a major “space conference” to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it “One small step for man, one giant distraction from healthcare, two wars and the recession.”

At Obama’s space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there? Joe Biden.

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