Tuesday Mar 02 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama had his first physical exam as president and the doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.

President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions when he was president. It’s called, “What Would Dick Cheney Do?”

Airlines are now going to charge for a blanket and a little pillow. You know what I would pay for? A sober pilot.

Today, General Motors announced a recall over a steering problem. The cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney is here tonight. He is a Republican from Massachusetts — kind of like Sen. Scott Brown, but with pants.

President Obama had his annual physical and apparently everything is all right. And also, Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy.

The doctor told President Obama to cut down on cigarettes and stay away from Toyotas.

Our current governor, David Paterson, may be stepping down after being involved in a scandal. Something like this hasn’t happened in New York for — months.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Evan Lysacek's Mind During His Gold Medal Ice Skating Routine

"Did I overdo it with the sequins?"
"If I win, I'm driving the Zamboni to Mexico"
"The kick-loop-twist thing comes next, and after that it's the bendy-twirly-jumpy thing"
"Stop running promos for 'The Marriage Ref'"
"A gold medal could help me achieve my real dream: 'Snoopy on Ice"
"After the Olympics, I'm gonna sit on my butt and play 'Guitar Hero'"
"I wish someone could find a way to combine ice skating with sweeping"
"I think I just pulled my lutz"
"Holy crap, I'm dizzy"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The U.S. Post Office announced that they might stop delivering mail on Saturdays. Just let them have what they want, you don’t want them disgruntled.

Lady Gaga has announced that she is celibate. That’s what happens when you dress like the furniture in Liberace’s house.

ABC has announced the cast of this season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Maybe they should call it “People You’ve Just Kind of Heard of.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rapper L’il Wayne was supposed to go jail today, but his sentence was postponed because of a fire at the courthouse. It seems to me that God doesn’t want L’il Wayne to go to jail.

Tiger Woods is focused on playing golf and working out. Elin is trying to keep him away from the ThighMaster as much as possible.

Kate Gosselin will be on “Dancing With the Stars.” She’s planning to win by nagging the other contestants until they leave.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This recall stuff is getting totally out of hand. Now the Obama administration might require all cars to have an override system in case the brake pedal doesn’t work. Personally, I like the old override system: a tree.

Last week in Texas, it took four police officers 30 minutes to catch a goat running around in a Taco Bell parking lot. A spokesman for Taco Bell apologized, and said, “Usually, our ingredients don’t get up and walk around like that.”

Some colleges across the country are notifying parents when their underage children are caught drinking. Let me help speed up the process . . . Hey, parents, if your kid’s in college, your kid’s drinking.

Apparently, O.J. Simpson is donating the suit he was wearing when he was acquitted of murder to the Smithsonian. I guess he is a pretty good guy after all.

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