Friday Feb 19 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Late Show with David Letterman

You’re watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.

Mayor Bloomberg is building a seven-story aquarium in Times Square. It’s all part of his plan to turn New York City into San Diego.

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It’s because Biden removed Cheney’s dungeon at the White House.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal

You're allergic to snow
Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
You get winded saying "slalom"
Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that.

I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the “mistress in your region.”

This weekend was the birthday of Copernicus. He was quite a ladies’ man, known as the Tiger Woods of his day.

As a kid, I joined the astronomy club at school, because the “drinking behind the shed” club was full.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’m kind of embarrassed to say that I set my alarm last night to be up in time for Tiger Woods’ apology. It was covered on every channel except for Food Network.

Tiger spoke for 14 minutes, which is double the amount of time he has spoken in his professional career.

Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

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