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Friday Feb 05 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

For the second time since he became president, Barack Obama slammed Las Vegas by saying, “You don’t blow a bunch of cash in Vegas.” The way the government is spending, I’d rather take the odds in Vegas.

What the president said was, if you want to gamble, drive a Toyota.

Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out a pig-to-human lung transplant. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already, I think it’s called John Edwards.

Japan has invented a machine that you put 40 sheets of regular paper into and it converts them into rolls of toilet paper. It’s actual paper that you can use as toilet paper. Or, as we call it here, “an NBC contract.”

Conan

Late Show with David Letterman

There’s a new tape from Osama bin Laden. This time, he’s blaming the United States for global warming. Sounds to me like someone’s looking for a Nobel Prize.

He’s very ecologically minded. Last year, it was documented by the CIA that bin Laden switched to a hybrid camel.

An airplane made an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. How could he have overshot the Hudson?

The most amazing part of that story is that the pilot landed the plane without spilling his cocktail.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Coach Before the Super Bowl

10
"Are we the Saints or the Colts?"
9
"Don't play too hard; you don't want to be sore on Monday"
8
"Forget game film, let's watch an episode of 'Glee'"
7
"Crap, is the Super Bowl this weekend?"
6
"Sorry I'm drunk. I was out all night with Snooki and JWoww"
5
"Oh my God, did you see the other team? They're huge!"
4
"Can you come downtown and bail me out?"
3
"I don't care if we win — just keep it within the point spread because I bet everything I'm worth"
2
"I wanna see more ‘grab-ass’ in the huddle"
1
"Let's win this one for Chemical Ali!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The last time the Super Bowl was in Miami, I was there. Miami is a great mix of young people and old gangsters. The best part is seeing the old mob guys in thongs.

The Super Bowl is the most watched event on TV. It’s nice that Americans can all agree on sitting down and watching two groups of huge men beat each other up.

The commercials coming up on this show will not be as good as those on the Super Bowl, because the commercials are a reflection of who is watching the show. So enjoy the ads for hemorrhoid creams.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Super Bowl is a day that Americans celebrate the physical accomplishments of world class athletes by dipping fried chicken in Ranch dressing.

The first ever tea party convention is going on right now in Nashville. The tea partyers are a group of Americans who think the government is too big, and also like to party and have tea.

Their featured speaker is Sarah Palin. They say she’s getting a $100,000 to be there: $98,000 for wardrobe, $2,000 to speak.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was busy holding two fundraisers in D.C. last night. During one of his speeches, Obama told the crowd, “We can’t be afraid of the future.” Most Americans agree with him, mainly because they’re so busy being afraid of the present.

Obama said, “We can’t be afraid of the future.” And Biden was like, "What about clowns? Can we be afraid of clowns?"

President Obama also said that the key to competing with China is to improve our math and science education. Because right now, our GDP is about $13 trillion and China’s is $3 trillion, which means we’re still ahead by . . . trillion.

The “Obama Store” in Washington D.C. is closing. That’s where they sell T-shirts, hats, and calendars with Obama's face on them. You can tell they’re Obama calendars, because they only go up to 2012.

 
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