Wednesday Feb 03 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop.

President Obama has announced his administration’s plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever been on Amtrak? We can’t even figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing.

ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a goat every day since becoming president, in an attempt to ward off the “evil eye.” It’s good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror.


Late Show with David Letterman

Yesterday, New York City Mayor Bloomberg got in on the Groundhog Day festivities. The mayor is so tiny. He saw the groundhog, threw a saddle on it and rode it up Fifth Ave.

It looks like we’ll have six more weeks of winter now because Rip Torn’s liver saw its shadow.

President Obama has invited a group of Republicans to his Super Bowl party. He’s going to sit the “you lie” guy right next to the “not true” guy.

He is very shrewd about inviting the Republicans. He figures, if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they will pass healthcare.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons I'm Not On The Show Tonight presented by Paris Hilton

I'd love to be there, but I got a thing
My agent told me Dave got fired
Just don't have it in me tonight to pretend Dave is hot
My Chihuahua just doesn't get along with Dave's Chihuahua
Have you seen the show?
Dave always smells like veal and peppers
Too busy trying to figure out what the hell happened on last night's "Lost"
I'm not a big fan of Dave
I was on Regis this week and I only talk to one old dude a month
Just don't like publicity
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama told a group of high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas and people in Las Vegas are very upset. Without these kids’ college funds, who is going to take care of the ventriloquists and the prostitutes?

Rahm Emanuel, who used an extremely offensive word to describe liberal democrats, apologized today to the head of the Special Olympics and to Snooki from “Jersey Shore.”

Adm. Michael Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, says he believes gays should serve in the military. All gays, whether they want to or not.

Iran fired a rocket into space carrying a mouse, a turtle, and some worms. It reminds me of the time when I was eight years old and my friend and I glued a cockroach to a bottle rocket and shot it over his fence.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is “not sexy” but it’s “making a difference.” Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi.

At the town hall event, President Obama also said, “Jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010.” He then added, “Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.”

The president told Senate Democrats that politics "can't just be about scoring points." Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto.

Everyone’s talking about the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. Adm. Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people “to lie about who they are” in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like, “Who cares? We do that every election.”

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