Tuesday Feb 02 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Late Show with David Letterman

The groundhog crawled out of his hole today and predicted six more weeks of Oscars hype.

Here in New York City, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. We’ve got rats bigger than that.

There’s a Burger King down in Miami where you can go and get a Whopper and a beer. That should bring in the Valentine’s Day crowd.

Actor Rip Torn apparently got really drunk and mistook the neighborhood bank for his couch. He thought he was breaking into his house, and it turned out that it was a bank. Who hasn’t made that mistake?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Your Film Wasn't Nominated For An Academy Award

Instead of black and white it was shot in just black
"Limited theatrical release" consisted of your parents' basement in Secaucus
Missed submisson deadline because you're on the Mayan calendar
Romantic leads are George Clooney and Gerry Cooney
Jury at Cannes gave you more death sentences than Chemical Ali
You bribed Academy president with a Toyota
Directed by a drunk and confused Rip Torn
Film could only be seen if you wore 5-D glasses
Due to budget constraints, alien robot is a guy with aluminum foil underpants
Jets coach Rex Ryan saw film, gave it the finger
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is Groundhog Day, the day of the year when all the men in the world that wear top hats get together.

The animal rights group PETA has asked that they replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them, and then we have no governor any more.

On Sunday, the 52nd annual Grammy Awards were held. Beyonce set a record, winning 743 Grammys.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Oscar nominations were announced today. The Best Actor nominees include George Clooney for “Up in the Air,” Jeremy Renner for “The Hurt Locker”, and President Obama for the “State of the Union.”

I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” law. The new law will be called “Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.”

An 8-year-old cat in Britain just became the world’s first cat to have an artificial knee replacement. Vets say the cat should be up and doing nothing in no time.

Police in Indiana are searching for a man who robbed a tobacco store with a pair of scissors. They said the guy could be a real danger — unless you have a rock.

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