Monday Feb 01 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Obama administration has reversed itself. It is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. They’re going to do an off-Broadway version first to see how people like it.

Osama bin Laden has released yet another audio tape message. Where does he find all these audio tapes? You can’t even buy audio tapes anymore.

Britain has raised its terrorist threat level from “a bit apprehensive” to “rather concerned.”

Britain and the U.S. are proposing a half-billion dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. If it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.


Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan, but still, he got out of jury duty.

Ben Bernanke was confirmed to serve for four more years. That is, if we have an economy for four more years.

Saddam Hussein’s buddy, Chemical Ali, was hanged over the weekend. Not to be confused with the guy at NBC, Chemical Zucker.

J.D. Salinger died this past week. That now makes me the most famous recluse alive.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

$3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95
Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
United States pays for Ahmadinejad's tan windbreakers
It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money
Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic Adjustable Bed
$1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does
The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I heard that John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, have legally separated. Yeah, under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote, “See news.”

The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.

Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of “cat vs. string.”

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