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Monday Jan 18 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Thanks for coming out on Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday. As you know, all the banks are closed. I understand tomorrow some of them might even reopen.

A big storm hit L.A. today. For the first time, there were more cancellations at LAX than there were on NBC.

There’s a new thing out called “Incinolet.” It’s a toilet that incinerates human waste instead of flushing it. There’s an invitation to a barbecue you might not want to accept.

Conan

Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien and I need all of you to write me a letter of recommendation.

NBC has a new slogan and the slogan is "More colorful." They may be telling the truth because they are about to get rid of the whitest guy on television.

Last night at the Golden Globes Julia Roberts said that NBC was in the toilet. NBC was upset and toilets were furious.

Yesterday, the founder of Taco Bell passed away at the age of 86. Still no word on whether he's going to have a funeral — or a funeral supreme.

Late Show with David Letterman

Conan is getting $30 million to leave NBC. That’s like getting a bonus to leave the Titanic.

Hugh Hefner broke up with his twin girlfriends. The girls said that living with a 90-year-old smut king isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.

At his age, all the girls are really doing is blowing on his soup.

The FBI released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden may look like now. Why can’t they do a sketch of what he looks like when he gets captured?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs the New York Jets are Getting Cocky

10
Offered to give the Colts a 14-point head start
9
Just purchased Ikea shelving unit for Vince Lombardi trophy
8
Four words: Field goal-kicking donkey
7
Several confused Jets have called Eli Manning to say, “See you Sunday.”
6
Whole team is now dating Jessica Simpson
5
Posted playbook on Twitter
4
Focus on tomorrow’s practice: Executing a flawless post-game Gatorade bath
3
Players have this weekend off
2
Instead of focusing on Colts receivers, Darrelle Revis negotiating a deal to host “The Tonight Show” in 2015
1
Rex Ryan calling his abs “the situation plus 40 years of cheese-fries”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s raining so hard here in L.A., I saw Jay Leno steal Conan’s umbrella.

It was a nightmare in L.A. last night, and it wasn’t the rain, it was because Mel Gibson was out on the road.

Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher, and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Yes, but technically — that is change."

"Avatar" fans are naming their babies after characters from the movie. That’s crazy. Even worse, obstetricians are now putting on 3-D glasses for the delivery.

A new poll found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. The second worst airplane passengers? Terrorists.

NASA is slashing the prices on a few of the used space shuttles that it has up for sale. Yeah, NASA actually sells used space shuttles. Which explains why if you go to the space station these days, they have those car dealership balloon guys waving around.

 
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