JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday Jan 14 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

With all the controversy here at NBC, "The Tonight Show" with Conan O’Brien’s ratings have gone up. So, you’re welcome.

NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth yesterday morning. They’re not sure what it was, but it missed the Earth by 80,000 miles, so it could have been a Northwest flight.

As you know, security is being upgraded at the airports all across the country. In fact, today Osama bin Laden was placed on the “no-fly” list.

According to a new study by researchers at MIT, men are evolving faster than women. Not the ones on "Jersey Shore," the regular ones.

Conan

There’s a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. My response to that is, if NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.

Last night the CEO of Chrysler was giving a speech at the International Auto Show and people in the crowd started heckling him. He got so angry, he walked out, got right in his car and stalled.

It’s been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government’s Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it’s been a bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed. Police at the scene are describing the accident as "hilarious."

Late Show with David Letterman

NBC announced that they are putting the NBC peacock on the endangered species list.

Apparently President Obama invited Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien to the White House for a beer.

The Golden Globe Awards are on NBC this weekend. It’s a night when Hollywood takes a break from self-congratulations and lets foreigners congratulate them.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Pieces of Advice for People Having Heart Surgery

10
During the surgery, don't sneeze
9
Never pay for the undercoating
8
Make sure your surgeon has at least seven fingers
7
Before surgery, wash your heart thoroughly with soap and water
6
Have procedure done by reputable surgeon, or at least a very good dentist
5
If satisfied with your operation, it's customary to tip 15 percent
4
Ask surgeon to take photo of your heart for your Facebook profile picture
3
Make sure the operating room isn't the back room of a pet store
2
Confirm that the hospital uses only genuine Mr. Goodwrench parts
1
Be prepared: The nurses will laugh when they see you naked
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

You know why I do this show every night? Because no one else will.

One of our lovable broadcasters, the great Andy Rooney, turns 91 today. Compared, of course, to the other "60 Minutes" cast members, he’s just a whippersnapper but he’s 91 today.

"Project Runway" is back in New York City. I’m glad because putting a fashion show in L.A. is ridiculous, it’s like putting Jay Leno in prime time.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

General Motors has announced that they will no longer provide free cars for Tiger Woods to crash into fire hydrants.

He had an accident on Thanksgiving in his Cadillac Escalade and GM isn’t renewing their contract with him, which means the No. 1 golfer in the world does not have a caddy.

I would have let him take the Cadillac, because if you see him driving it around, you’ll think, “That’s a car that will get you chicks.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess this explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask.

In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she’s heard about MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” but she hasn’t seen it. Funny, that’s exactly what the people on "Jersey Shore" said about the Obamas.

Donald Goerke, the man who created SpaghettiOs, has died at the age of 83. Apparently, his last words were “Uh-oh.”

Members of a gang here in New York City were busted yesterday for bragging about their crimes on MySpace. They were charged with two counts of “being so 2007.”

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved