Wednesday Jan 13 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Passengers aboard a United flight from Chicago to Newark broke into applause and called the pilot a hero when he landed the plane after a total landing gear failure. Then, of course, came the really dangerous part — the cab ride through Newark.

Cold weather all around the world. The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. People there are being warned not to throw snowballs because they contain lead.

Sarah Palin has signed on to be a Fox News correspondent. In a related story, John McCain just picked up an endorsement deal to be a spokesman for the Scooter Store.

The former president of the Psychiatric Association of Quebec, Canada believes there are benefits to smoking. Especially if you work in the portable oxygen tank and funeral home industry.


Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’ve been practicing the phrase, “Who ordered the mochaccino grande?”

According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters want me to stay at 11:35. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, “How can I get NBC to screw me over?”

Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as “awkward.”

The other day in Turkey, villagers in a small town were shocked when a sheep gave birth to a calf with a human face. Sounds like there’s one guy in that town who has a lot of explaining to do.

Late Show with David Letterman

Another black eye for baseball: Yesterday, Mark McGwire announced that he took steroids when he was on his big home run tear. He said they really didn't help his performance — he just took them because he enjoyed the fresh minty taste.

There's a new book out about Sarah Palin and her campaign for vice president. In the book, it says that Sarah Palin was unprepared to be vice president. Unprepared to be vice president. And I thought, "Boy — you think you know somebody . . ."

Sarah Palin will be speaking at a wine and liquor convention in Las Vegas. She'll be the keynote speaker. It makes sense — when you're drunk, she starts to make sense.

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not unqualified for.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages on Jeff Zucker's Voicemail

"What the hell are you doing?"
"This is Jay Leno. Conan seemed upset in the elevator. Everything OK?"
"No, seriously, what the hell are you doing?"
"It's Burt Reynolds. Just so you know, I'm available"
"Letterman here. Want to borrow one of my hairpieces?"
"This is Mark McGwire. If you're looking to bulk up, I know a guy"
"It's Jay again. All in all, I think it's going pretty well"
"I'm from Comcast. Regarding the sale . . . Uh, I think we're OK"
"Larry King here. Keep up the good work"
"What the zuck?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are reports that Tiger Woods has entered rehab for sex addiction. It's a standard process, 28 days, one for every mistress.

For those of you that don't remember Tiger Woods, he's the guy we used to make fun of in the olden times before late night TV went nuts.

I'm sick of late night TV. Late night TV bores the crap out of me, and I think I prove that every night on this show.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tiger Woods is still in hiding. He has not been seen since what he now refers to as the worst Thanksgiving ever.

People magazine says they know where Tiger is: He's where all celebrities go when they do something embarrassing — rehab.

A report says that he checked into a clinic for sex addiction. It also said he'd be out by Valentine's Day. Perfect. I want to push that back to President's Day.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

North Korea announced today that it plans to allow more American tourists into the country after years of restrictions. I'm not sure I'm a fan of their tourism slogan though: "Come to North Korea! There's only a 36 percent chance we'll throw you in jail under fraudulent charges."

During a recent interview on C-SPAN, IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman said he doesn’t do his own taxes because he finds “the tax code complex.” That’s like a surgeon saying, “You guys, blood grosses me out. So I don’t wanna . . . ”

During a house fire in the Bronx last night, fire fighters discovered a massive weed growing operation. When the firefighters got there, they immediately called for backup . . . and several bags of Funyuns.

Walmart announced this week that it will close 10 Sam’s Club super-stores to reduce costs. Wow, even their bad news comes in a 10-pack.

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