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Tuesday Jan 12 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself into hot water when during the election, he described Barack Obama as a “light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect.” That may explain why Reid is the majority leader and not the minority leader.

President Obama forgave Reid. Obama said today that he has nothing against really light-skinned people.

NBC announced they are pulling the plug on our show Feb. 12. Here’s the amazing part: That is the exact date that the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air.

Archaeologists in Egypt now say it’s not true that the pyramids were built by slaves. They say the pyramids were built by paid workers. You know how they financed it? A pyramid scheme.

Conan

Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien, and I may soon be available for children’s parties.

NBC says they’re planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. And trust me, when NBC says something — you can take that to the bank!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama’s “blackness.” Sources say Reid could face congressional censure, or even worse, be promised the “Tonight Show” at 11:30.

The CEO of Domino’s Pizza, Patrick Doyle, says their pizza has been bad in the past but they’re coming out with a new recipe. Perhaps, part of the problem is their pizza’s made by a guy named Patrick Doyle.

Late Show with David Letterman

Conan O' Brien announced that he will not follow Jay Leno at 12:05 a.m. You know what that means: I knocked off another competitor.

If Conan does leave the Tonight Show, President Obama then has to appoint a replacement.

Al-Qaida has claimed responsibility for all the destruction at NBC.

Earlier tonight, Sarah Palin appeared on The O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly. Sarah Palin and Bill O'Reilly. Talk about a road to nowhere.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day at Fox News

10
Ruined office floor by drilling for oil
9
Detached a retina from winking at the camera
8
Got confused — thought she signed with QVC
7
Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina"
6
Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno
5
At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby
4
Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt
3
Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable
2
Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska
1
Announced plans to run for president in 2010
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Conan O'Brien said tonight in a written statement, that he will not do the Tonight Show after Jay Leno, which means he quit, I think. He also said he wants to make the Tonight Show the best it can be, which means he didn't quit, I think.

An American comedy legend is calling it quits. He made us laugh for years, we followed him through his ups and downs, but he's made a decision to leave the pinnacle of American broadcasting. That's right, David Hasselhoff has quit America's Got Talent.

Jay Leno's back on at 11:30, people are getting their old jobs back all over the place. Dick Cheney's showing up at the White House like, "Hey! I heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Simon Cowell announced that he is leaving American Idol. He says he wants to spend more time at home telling his maid she doesn't know how to do the dishes.

Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well, maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston.

Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she'll be there for six months.

Tiger Woods has not been seen since Thanksgiving. He's so hard to find, people are speculating that he may be working in customer service at Home Depot.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on The O’Reilly Factor. It's the darndest thing, though — I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through.

A company in Texas has started a new social networking site for cowboys. The site would have launched earlier, but it took several days for a lawyer to explain to the cowboys that the name "Yahoo.com" was taken.

The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage. Which means the New Jersey Senate was like, “Gay people getting married? What are you, high? No? Well let’s get high then.”

 
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