Monday Dec 07 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s hard to believe only 17 shopping days left until Christmas — that’s for women. For men, there’s only one shopping day ‘til Christmas — the day before Christmas.

According to the New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers into the White house have now been placed on leave and today the party crashers felt so bad for them they called and said, “hey listen, we know how you can get back in.”

Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of “Golf Digest” magazine features Tiger Woods with President Obama on the cover. I don’t think Michelle is going to let the president hang out with Tiger too much anymore. Back in the White House . . .

In fact, so many women are coming forward they are now doing a TV show about it called, “Tiger and Kate Plus 8.”


At a town-hall meeting a student asked President Obama if he would ever consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, his follow-up question was, “Do you ever hear colors?”

In Iowa, a large group of people stood outside a Sarah Palin book-signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The group was known as the Iowa Democratic Party.

Britney Spears is in the news again. She is denying rumors that she is pregnant. She made a statement and said, “If I were pregnant, these cigarettes would be low-tar.”

This weekend a rare envelope sent on the first day of the Pony Express in 1860 sold for almost half a million dollars. The envelope contains an invitation to Larry King’s Bar Mitzvah.

Late Show with David Letterman

Tigers Woods is having some kind of trouble. I used to think golf was boring.

There’s been a media firestorm. President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan, but he should be sending them to Tiger Woods’ house.

According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy’s gotta have fun . . . what happens in Kabul, stays in Kabul.

The new Sarah Palin memoir is out. Here’s No. 31 of the things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: falling off a train.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image

Crash a State Dinner at the White House
Change name from "Tiger" to more adorable "Puppy"
Fix this whole healthcare mess
Put on a scarf and a hat and sing Christmas carols with Regis
Instead of sweatshops in Asia, have Nike merchandise made in a sweatshop right here in the USA
Retire, then come back and play for the Vikings
Safely land golf cart in the Hudson river
Release list of women he did not have sex with
Find Osama bin Laden
Blame Letterman
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend a man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a bank. Police described him as armed and merry.

Witnesses say the man walked into the bank and said, “Ho, ho, hold up your hands.”

Police say that in an unrelated incident a man robbed another bank wearing a Richard Nixon mask. That’s funny — I thought presidents were supposed to rob us and give money to the banks.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Because of the recession, Britain’s Ministry of Defense will no longer investigate UFO sightings. So now it’s up to you, guy sitting at home wearing a tin foil suit.

While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy center last night, President Obama said, “I’m the president, but he’s The Boss.” Then Biden was like, “Then who the hell is Tony Danza?”

James Cameron’s new movie “Avatar” comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as “Titanic.” Not the movie, the ship.

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