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Wednesday Jan 06 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.

He says he may go work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.

How about that weather around the country? It was so cold today, I saw a Texas fan hugging an Alabama fan for warmth.

Conan

It’s the third day of a brutal cold snap with record low temperatures around the country. Or as we call it here in Los Angeles, “Not our problem.”

Today President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.

Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and not exercising enough. That device is called “a scale.”

Amy Winehouse’s dad says that since she has stopped doing drugs, she has become addicted to shopping. Unfortunately, the only thing she shops for is drugs.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so cold today in New York City that Regis Philbin couldn’t get his new hip to start.

It was so cold in Washington D.C. that five Washington Wizards huddled around the warm barrel of a gun.

If you’re working for airport security, here’s a tip: You might want to check out a guy that has a fuse hanging out of his fly.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport

10
To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks
9
Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them
8
For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel
7
Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner"
6
All flights depart at the same time
5
Airport is home to seven of world's 10 deadliest snakes
4
Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter
3
Them: "Where are you traveling?" You: "San Francisco." Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."
2
I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much
1
At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulation's to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law Craig Robinson and his wife just had a son in Oregon, or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate.

The child's name is Austin Robinson. Next week he’ll go before the Senate and if they confirm him, he’ll become the official nephew of Obama.

Health officials in Mexico have issued a warning after thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast. They don’t know what killed the fish, though a single bullet wound to the back of the head may indicate drug cartel involvement.

Here in California, our robot governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his last State of the State address in Sacramento. He only has 12 months left as governor, and then he will not be back.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I read about this new study that found that dolphins are almost as smart as humans. Not all humans, of course, just the ones who work in airport security.

Speaking of airport security, CBS is reporting that the high-tech security cameras at Newark Airport weren’t even working on Sunday when security was breached. Even worse, they’ve been keeping keys to all the planes under those fake rocks you get in SkyMall.

This is disgusting — the FDA just found an infestation of cockroaches at a facility that makes airplane food. In fairness, the cockroaches wanted to leave . . . it's just that all of their flights were delayed or canceled.

The owner of a wrinkly dog in Australia has given his pet a full face-lift and a double eye-lift so it won’t go blind. Unfortunately, after getting all that plastic surgery, the dog left its owner to live with a younger, hotter family.

 
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