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Tuesday Jan 05 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A quick note. That guy in the uniform patting everyone down and searching your underwear when you came in the studio tonight — he doesn’t work here. I apologize, he’s just a creepy guy.

The good news is that this Nigerian underwear bomber is now in custody. Remember the good old days when the only threat from Nigeria was spam e-mail?

The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. It turns out it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.

A man in Sicily had himself arrested so he wouldn’t have to spend the holidays with his relatives. How many guys are going, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Conan

President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter.

Ellen DeGeneres and fashion expert Tim Gunn have been named PETA’s Woman and Man of the Year. So far no word on who won which award.

It’s been reported that a woman is now trying to sell a sex tape she made with Tiger Woods. The sex tape will be available soon at adult bookstores in the "Tiger Woods" section.

Joan Rivers is reportedly very angry because on Sunday she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York Jets are in the playoffs and the New York Giants are out of the playoffs. The Mayans were right!

Rush Limbaugh was ill, and had to go to the hospital with chest pains. But he's completely recovered and he will be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country could really use some hot air now.

Now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the White House state dinner. It's a little crazy. Before that, the only person I knew that showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush.

Joan Rivers was traveling home from Costa Rica and was detained at the airport security. It's fascinating to me, we got Joan Rivers, but we can't get Osama bin Laden.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Already Having a Bad Year

10
Your underpants keep exploding.
9
You come home to find one of those Avatars in bed with your wife.
8
You're the nurse who had to give Rush Limbaugh a sponge bath.
7
Friends keep asking, "Did you shave your moustache?" And you're a woman.
6
You're the nurse who had to give Regis Philbin a sponge bath.
5
Started the year with ten fingers, now not so much.
4
You're a member of the New York Giants.
3
Still afraid to come out of your Y2K bunker.
2
You've spent all of 2010 locked in Mike Leach's shed.
1
You're here, ain't ya?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the Chinese calendar, 2010 is the year of the Tiger. Because it definitely wasn't 2009 for him.

As a result of the Christmas Day attack, conservatives have been criticizing President Obama. I guess they figured with ears like that he should have overheard something.

After the shoe bomber, they made us take off our shoes. Now this underwear thing could be a real problem.

Congress has already started working on some new laws. The "Everyone Goes Commando Act" is expected to pass later this month.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Many states are facing sub-zero temperatures this week. Everyone’s taking precautions. In fact, airports are on the lookout for thermal underwear bombers.

In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab they say looks just like a strawberry. And by marine biologists, I mean two guys on mushrooms.

The Secret Service just discovered that a third uninvited guest got into Obama’s state dinner back in November, although Joe Biden insists he was actually invited.

David Brandon, the CEO of Domino’s Pizza, was just named the Athletic Director at the University of Michigan. Because who better to head up a department focused on fitness than the man who gave us the Oreo Pizza and Cinna Stix.

 
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