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Tuesday Dec 08 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA's controversial use of "pilot-less" aircraft flying over Pakistan. Now what is controversial about that? We've got pilot-less Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis! This is nothing unusual.

Remember the incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three secret service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. You know something, the White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border Guards! Should have known.

Some crime news. In Chicago, burglars broke into the office of former Governor Rod Blagojevich. Here's the amazing part. Prosecutors said it was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was in there.

A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter, thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804 . . .

Conan

The New CEO of Chrysler says he plans to double sales by 2014. That’s right, Chrysler is going to sell two cars.

Yesterday in Minnesota a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC.

In England, a couple named their new daughter Kia because the mom gave birth in the backseat of their Kia automobile. You probably find this story more amusing than the couple’s first daughter, “Rent-a-Wreck.”

On Sunday, golfer Jim Furyk made two clutch putts to win the Tiger Woods Chevron World Challenge. As the winner of Tiger’s tournament the golfer gets $1 million and three phone numbers.

Late Show with David Letterman

Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is, they’re able to move the global warming conference outdoors!

In terms of the temperature going up and up, we are making some progress today. Over in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. So that’s gonna cool things off a little bit.

One of Tiger’s girlfriends says that on a scale to ten, that Tiger is actually a 12. But I thought to myself, well, now wait a minute. That’s two over par!

Now it’s time for another segment: “Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.” Number six: Ripping off your own head.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

None

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

CBS announced today they’re canceling “As the World Turns.” Don’t worry though, if you’re addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.

Earlier tonight, ABC aired, “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” you know, the warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president’s speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining.

Earlier tonight, ABC aired, “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” you know, the warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president’s speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining.

It’s good to see the Peanuts gang back together, Snoopy’s not there though. Nobody’s seen him since he spent that weekend at Michael Vick’s house.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A man was arrested at the Mall of America for throwing tomatoes at Sarah Palin, or as Palin calls them, “Italian apples.”

By the way, if you’re a former Swedish model living in the Orlando area looking to exact some serious revenge on your husband, I want you to know that I’m here. And I’m disgusting.

So many cocktail waitresses, no wonder when I go to a bar, I can never get a drink. They’re all with Tiger Woods.

I’m not sure what the count is now, seven women, eight, I’ve heard ten. I think I’m just gonna put him down for a nine and move on, there’s no point in putting this one out.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, the "Today" show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head to head with Afghanistan’s #1 morning show, “Good Morning, and Death to, America." Did you guys watch it? My favorite part was, “Where in the cave is Matt Lauer?"

This is scary. I read in the New York Times that 20 percent of drinking water in the U.S. is contaminated with arsenic, uranium or dangerous bacteria. That’s why instead of tap water, I always brush my teeth with Smirnoff vodka.

Richard Branson, the CEO of Virgin Galactic, just unveiled a new spaceship for rich tourists who want to travel to space. So far the only person who can afford a ticket is Richard Branson.

A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats have the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

 
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