Tuesday Dec 22 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yesterday President Obama said, “We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.” Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got “get out of jail free” cards?

It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.

The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there’s a lesson here: In America it’s better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger.


President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they’re both getting universal healthcare . .

President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.

Earlier today, President Obama called into a Washington morning radio show. Unfortunately, since he was not the ninth caller, Obama failed to win the “Whitesnake” tickets.

Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he’s completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, “I’m halfway done.”

Late Show with David Letterman

According to a new poll, New York City is the least happiest place to live. Well, I did my part. Today, I went down to the subway, got on a train, and started a sing-along.

You can do your part too, to change that statistic. When you see gang graffiti, add smiley faces. After 10 p.m. use a silencer.

Dick Cheney has been named “Conservative of the Year” by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time “Dick Cheney” and “human” have been used in the same sentence.

Dick Cheney was also named “gas-bag of the year” by Gas-Bag magazine.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 Top Ten Christmas Carols

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, Bleached Bright Like Sammy Sosa's Face
Don We Now Our Gay Apparel, Fa La La La La La La La La, For The Adam Lambert Concert, Fa La La La La La La La La
I Saw Mommy Injecting Santa Claus with the H1N1 Vaccine
Oh, Holy Crap, My Family's Driving Me Crazy
Frosty the Snowman, Had a Carrot on His Face, Til Some Young Punks Relocated It, To a Very Naughty Place
Here Comes Tiger Woods, Here Comes Tiger Woods, Driving Really Fast. Here Comes Elin Woods, With a Seven Wood, Clobberin' Tiger's Ass
Your Name Isn't On the List, Must Have Been Someone We Missed, Since You're In a Tux and Frock, Go Meet Michelle and Barack, Saaaaa-laaaa-hi
You're Beginning to Look a Lot Like an Owl, You've Had Too Much Botox
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Oops, I Forgot, You're a Jew
Deck the Halls with Junk Made in China, Fa La La La La Our Country's Screwed
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is talking about healthcare. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero percent.

President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange Christmas presents. That’s nice. My wife and I made the same decision a few years ago and let me tell you, it’s a trap, Obama! Don’t fall for it.

President Obama brought cookies to kids at a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, and he said to the kids, “Here’s the question: have you guys been good?” Then the kids were like, "Here’s another question: Did you get us the Olympics? How about a public option? Did you fix the economy? No? Then why don’t you just hand over the cookies, Barry.”

The healthcare bill won’t have a public option. But Obama was like, “The public option is not the most important aspect” of the healthcare bill because “only a few million people” would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like "Ummm . . . we can hear you."

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