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Friday Dec 18 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Here's a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need.

In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act.

President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it's called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.

Glenn Beck is on the show tonight. I can't believe he took the time out from the U.N. climate conference to be here.

Conan

A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.

Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life.

The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods’ wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she’s single she’ll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods.

In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

Late Show with David Letterman

I'm going to tell you some jokes now, and I'll be honest with you, a lot of these jokes have been re-gifted.

Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.

Barack Obama's approval rating is down to 44 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that.

The poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don't even want to be seen with him.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I read that Washington, D.C. is gonna get a ton of snow this weekend. If it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can’t get anything done — you know, sort of like when it’s not snowing.

It’s freezing in D.C. In fact, today, Sasha and Malia had to help Biden get his tongue unstuck from the flag pole. They were like, “We shouldn’t have dared him to do that."

On Fox News yesterday, White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn’t “given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen.” Wow, in one year we’ve gone from “Yes we can!” to “We haven’t totally given up.”

President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren’t backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, “Don’t think we’re not keeping score, brother.” Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan.

 
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