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Thursday Dec 17 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to MSNBC, Tiger Woods paid some of his mistresses between $5,000 and $20,000 a month to keep quiet about his affairs. That’s the second bailout plan this year that didn’t work.

On the news today, people are complaining that we can’t find Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can’t even find Tiger Woods in Florida.

Remember the phrase, “hope and change?” The amended it today. Now it’s, “don’t give up hope, nothing’s going to change.”

President Obama’s approval rating has dipped below 50 percent. I’ll tell you how bad it is. People are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House.

Conan

This week, Associated Press named Tiger Woods the “Athlete of the Decade.” Oh, man – he is totally going to get laid now.

This is true — the timing is awkward, but Tiger Woods was named “Athlete of the Decade” by the Associated Press. In a related story, Tiger’s caddy was named “Man of the Decade” by “Wingman” magazine.

A group that’s trying to legalize marijuana in California says they recently collected the 434,000 signatures needed to get the issue on the ballot. But then their roommate like totally lost them or something.

In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys kung fu but then they turned on him using their best kung fu moves. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times — only teach your monkeys your worst Kung Fu moves.

Late Show with David Letterman

Right about now, Santa Claus is making a list and checking it twice. Now why can’t the Secret Service do that?

Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane as they were landing. He called one of the flight attendants, apparently there was some ugliness, there were some words exchanged, it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilots.

The Democrats in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass the healthcare bill. That’s 58 Democrats and the Salahis.

Tiger Woods was named “Athlete of the Decade.” Well that should change the subject.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard In Line to See "Avatar"

10
"What a coincidence! I couldn't find a woman to go with me either!"
9
"If I wear my 3-D glasses over my 2-D glasses, can I see in 5-D?"
8
"It's nice that they didn't over-hype this thing"
7
"Last time I saw blue creatures for three hours, I drank too much Nyquil"
6
"It's set in the year 2154 when America finally passes a healthcare bill"
5
"Which one is Chewbacca?"
4
"Based on a true story, right?"
3
"Hold on — Tiger's texting me"
2
"Chuck Schumer just called the ticket taker a bitch"
1
"$500 million for a movie — recession's over!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Christmas is only one week away. You only have one more week to trample someone for a Zhu Zhu pet this year.

President Obama is said to be hard at work on his New Year’s resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.

ABC News is reporting that Tiger’s wife Elin is planning to file for divorce, citing irreconcilable waitresses.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Man, it was freezing today in New York – 29 degrees! It’s like a phone call between Tiger Woods and his wife out there.

Well, Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren is now planning to file for divorce. She was like, “Look, Tiger . . . it’s either me or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her. Or her.”

According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English Literature.

This is fascinating. A new study found that looks are more important to women who live in the city than those who live in the country. Meanwhile, the same study found that looks are more important to men . . .

 
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