Wednesday Dec 16 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for "Best Democrat Acting Like a Republican."

Earlier this week, at the White House, President Obama met with a group of our nation’s top Wall Street bankers. The meeting went well, though the bankers did charge Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front.

Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. And in a related story, White House gardeners were digging in the back yard yesterday and found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies.

Eliot Spitzer’s former hooker now has a sex advice column in the New York Post. Why do people get rewarded for this? Her number one piece of advice: Get the money up front.


Another woman has been linked to Tiger Woods and this one is 48 years old. Or as Tiger refers to her, "my senior tour.”

Rapper 50 Cent is saying that Tiger Woods never would have been caught if he had been more “gangster.” In response, Tiger said 50 Cent would have never been shot nine times if he had been more “golfer.”

President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new healthcare plan but due to compromises it “won’t include everything that everybody wants.” For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital.

President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, “Dear Mr. Girlie Glasses.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Retail sales are up this year. Fantastic news — for the economy of China.

I’ve noticed fewer sidewalk Santas this year. Then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan this year.

Yesterday was the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it went better than last year when President Bush greeted everyone with, “Happy harmonica!”

Time magazine has selected Ben Bernanke as their “Person of the Year.” O magazine also selected their “Person of the Year” — Oprah.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs There's Something Wrong With the Secret Service

"Code 13" — Do not admit — confused with "Code 31" — Invite for brunch
Keeps revealing president's itinerary on their Twitter page
When away from guard post, agents leave key to White House under doormat
Earpieces are often tuned to local morning zoo
President Obama's on his own tomorrow night while security screens "Avatar"
Recently let Bush back into White House because he wanted to "do some more presidentin'"
Accidentally spent three weeks protecting Men's Wearhouse president George Zimmer
When short of personnel, agents replaced by Walmart greeters
Currently have 15 agents protecting Nixon
Obama's code name: "The Situation"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I was a guest on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” yesterday. It was exciting. It’s different than this show. It has furniture, the audience is made up of people who are not hobos . . .

To be fair to my show, my audience is not entirely hobos . . .

On Ellen’s show they had a latte machine. Take that Starbuck’s — your days are numbered.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Associated Press chose Tiger Woods as their "Athlete of the Decade." Well, he did put out some impressive numbers.

Things might be turning around for Tiger Woods — no new mistresses came forward today.

Puma is in internal discussions with Tiger Woods’ wife. They want to sign her to be the spokeswoman for one of their brands: Tree Torn. I think “tree torn” is what happened to Tiger’s Escalade.

Tree Torn makes athletic shoes and clothing. It makes sense they would want to sign her — the woman outran a Cadillac.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s the sixth night of Hanukkah! Tiger Woods loves Hanukkah. Earlier today I saw him dancing with 14 of his horas.

There was some good news for Tiger today. He was just voted "Athlete of the Decade" by The Associated Press. He’s also been named "Athlete of the Decade" by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.

It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let yet another random couple into a private reception with Obama. Which means at this point, the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club.

Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?

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