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Friday Dec 11 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yesterday President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a Swede.

During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a peace prize while fighting two different wars. President Bush got really upset. He said, “Hey — I’m the one who started both those wars! I should have won the prize.”

Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah party at the White House, and according to The New York Times, a lot of people are upset because it’s a little smaller this year and they weren’t invited. Hey, it’s the White House. You just sneak in.

During his speech on the economy, President Obama said this week that we have to continue to spend our way out of the recession. To which Nicolas Cage said, “That’s what I’ve been trying to do!”

Conan

A new poll shows that Americans think Tiger Woods is the worst cheater of the year. I don’t know . . . isn’t he kind of the best cheater of the year?

Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, “That’s OK — golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.”

A new study says that 86 percent of kids who regularly watch TV can recognize Tiger Woods. Which makes sense, because he may be their dad.

Late Show with David Letterman

Everyone’s coming to my house for Christmas. Or as we call it — the surge.

There’s good news about the climate: Scientists have detected a chill over Tiger Woods’ house.

The No. 1 movie out right now is called “The Blind Side.” It’s a holiday movie. It’s about hunting with Dick Cheney.

The hottest Christmas toy this year is the Zhu Zhu Pet. It’s a toy hamster. It’s impossible to find them, now that everyone’s trying to get them. Earlier today, a guy ran off with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Holiday Season

10
Already been mugged by three sidewalk Santas
9
Only Christmas card you received is from creepy cashier at your 7-Eleven
8
Christmas dinner consists of bean dip and pizza bagels
7
Need two hands to count number of times you were electrocuted by Christmas lights
6
Instead of Zhu Zhu hamster, parents got you Zsa Zsa Gabor
5
You've swallowed quite a lot of tinsel
4
You put on long white beard and were mistaken for Ayman al-Zawahiri
3
Most watched YouTube video is you getting hit in the nuts by a mall elf
2
Your wife beat your car with a golf club
1
You're in tonight's audience
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the first day of Hanukkah. So I’d like to wish Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewer.

Hanukkah celebrates a lamp that burned for eight days, which is almost as long as the string of Tiger Woods jokes.

There’s a new scandal: People are angry that Obama’s Christmas card doesn’t contain the word Christmas. But I think the message is there. The card shows the Three Wise Men asking for bailout money.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s raining today in L.A. People were smashing into trees without even being chased by their wives with golf clubs.

When it rains in L.A., every driver turns into a fleeing Tiger Woods.

Today is the first day of Hanukkah. We need a mascot for Hanukkah. Christmas has Santa . . . Hanukkah needs a mascot. We’ve come up with one. How about the dradle dog?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was freezing in New York today. It was so cold, even Al Gore was like, “All right — give us just a little bit of global warming.”

A new poll found that 44 percent of Americans would rather have George W. Bush back as the president. The scary part is that one of those people was President Obama. He was like, "Please — be my guest."

The mother of a 56-year-old man in Ohio said her son, who was arrested for making a pipe bomb, shouldn’t be in prison because building pipe bombs is his hobby. Oh, moms. Even if you’re a potential terrorist, they can’t fight the urge to brag about you: “He’s really getting good!”

A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

 
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