Tuesday Jun 02 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Tonight is the second night of “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.” The good news is, anything that runs this long on NBC is considered a smash hit.

Here's some news: Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he’s determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors.

Last night in New York City Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1000-a-plate fundraising dinner. Since Biden spoke before dinner, everyone is still waiting to eat.

Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him.

Late Show with David Letterman

Right about now, my mom is watching TV and screaming out, "Where's Leno?"

I guess this is the second time I didn't get that gig.

I'm kind of glad since it seems that show has term limits.

GM is looking for more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "You want more money? Wait here — let me talk to my manager."

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

1. "Hi, I'm looking for Dick"

10. "Was waterboarding just an excuse for you to see hot, soaking wet dudes?"
9. "You feelin' okay?"
8. "Hey, it's Rumsfeld — do you think anyone knows about us?"
7. "Is your Tony Awards party still on for Sunday?"
6. "This is Blockbuster. Your copy of 'The Good, The Bad and The Oily' is nine days late"
5. "Loved the window treatments in your secret bunker"
4. "Hi, this is Kevin. How'd you like a heart attack you'll never forget?"
3. "Thanks for condoning same-sex marriage, but could you do it without the sneer?"
2. "Sen. Larry Craig here. I knew it . . ."
1. "Hi, I'm looking for Dick"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his son the future president. The president's son becoming president? That could never happen here.

Have you seen Kim Jong Il? Man, that is one nuclear-powered lesbian.

There's big news in Washington: The president went on a date. Everyone was like, What!?! The president went on a date?!?! We haven't seen this since the Clinton administration.

The president took his wife out on a date. When he heard this, Bill Clinton was like, "What?!?!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

California is officially out of money. One day without Jay Leno and everything goes to hell.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that the day of reckoning is here. That either means he has a new movie out or we're screwed.

They've canceled summer school because of the money shortage. It's all part of a program called, "leave no child ahead."

No summer school means more pee in the public pools. So there's a silver lining.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

North Korea’s Kim Jong Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this: “Hey, who’s up for a vote? Just kidding. My son’s gonna do it.”

Best of luck to President Obama, who just left for his five-day trip to Egypt and Saudi Arabia. And good luck to Sasha and Malia, on their first keg party.

President Obama is inviting Iranian government officials to the U.S for a Fourth of July celebration. I guess the goal is to make them go, "Death to Americ — aaaaaaaah . . . oooooooooooo ahhh."

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