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Monday Jun 15 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Conan

Big news from Iran. Three days of riots, street-fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there: Ahmadinejad, or the Lakers.

President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won. Weeks before the Iranian election, President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian Irish vote?

In an interview this weekend, Vice President Joe Biden says he still has his eye on the presidency. Which is weird, since the question was, “How do you take your coffee?”

In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey.

Late Show with David Letterman

Times Square is now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. If you don't get one of those beach chairs, I'll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can stretch out on that.

In Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the presidential election in a landslide. But there were problems with the ballots in the election. Who would have thought that?

There was a mistake — thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.

I hope they get this figured out soon because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages On Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine

10. What kind of dictator only gets 63 percent of the vote?
9. I voted for you, now where is that goat you promised me?
8. Dude, where'd you get that sweet tan windbreaker?
7. It's Kim Jong Il. Congratulations. See you at Gadhafi's for Thursday night's Texas hold'em
6. Hey Mahmoud, hey mad dog. Can the Yankees win with that bullpen?
5. Sorry, wrong number — I was looking for Maxine Ahmadinejad
4. It's Jeb Bush. Those crooked voting machines arrive on time?
3. Osama here. My cable's out — can I come over to watch "Gossip Girl"?
2. According to exit polls, soccer moms thought your beard was H-O-T hot
1. It's Dubya. Congratulations on winning the election in whatever country you're in
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I've just been elected president of Iran.

I think I'd rather be the queen of West Hollywood.

It's not such a great day for Chicago. They're having the coldest June on record. It's so cold, Dr. Phil is kissing Oprah's ass just to stay warm.

People are wondering how long it will last. Experts are saying the weather will change when Oprah tells it to.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The results of Iran's presidential election are in: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. His opponent is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. And if that doesn't work, he's going to make a documentary about global warming.

Six Flags, those amusement ride parks, has declared bankruptcy. Their stock dropped to 41 cents a share, then it went up to $20, then down to 45 cents . . . then slowly, way, way up to $30 . . . then straight down to 12 cents.

Then stock holders started to barf. But for $50, they can buy a photo of what their faces looked like when prices started to dive.

 
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