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Monday Jul 06 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Conan

President Obama is taking a historic trip — He's in Russia. Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska.

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Republicans aren’t sure who is going to fill her role in the party, but they are in talks with several of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford returned to work today after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Or as Sanford called the weekend, “a total waste of time.”

Late Show with David Letterman

I took my mother to see fireworks on the Fourth of July. Every time a big one went off, she screamed, "It's North Korea! It's North Korea!"

What's Kim Jong Il's deal? Over the weekend they launched seven missiles. Vice president Joe Biden said they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down.

President Obama is in Russia. He's discussing concessions from the Russians. They've agreed to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes.

President Obama is in Russia. We know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By A Giant Robot Presented By Optimus Prime

10. "Jergens Lotion leaves my hands silky smooth"
9. "Do you have these khakis in a size 114?"
8. "My perfect night involves a pint of Haagen-Dazs and season three of 'Sex and the City'"
7. "Man, do I love me some 'taters"
6. "It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts"
5. "You seemed a little pitchy, dawg"
4. "Brody Jenner has added you as a friend on Facebook"
3. "Live from New York . . . it's 'Saturday Night Live'"
2. "My parents wanted me to be a rabbi"
1. "All the slammin' shorties in the house say 'Yeah!'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The big news: Sarah Palin quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody was shocked. Even John McCain was surprised. He was like, "Who?"

Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down.

Don't worry, though. Alaska will be fine. According to the state's Constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor — Chilly Willy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

 
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