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Wednesday Jul 08 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Conan

In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down, and now we’re at 17.

Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can’t wait to start reading Palin’s memoirs and then quit half way through.

Sen. John McCain says he’s been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he’s been “Twittering” on his garage door opener.

President Obama arrived in Italy this morning to attend the G-8 Summit, and he praised the Italians for being our “great allies.” He went on to say, “Except, of course, for anytime we’ve ever been to war.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. He has hired a prison consultant . . . I believe it's Martha Stewart.

Good news for his wife, Ruth Madoff. They returned her passport. Earlier today, she flew off to Argentina with Gov. Sanford.

How about Kim Jong Il? Shooting off missiles and scaring everybody . . . he made a rare appearance today. Here's what happened: He saw the shadow of his hair and went back in his hole.

People who watch him said he looked ill and haggard. In fact, a headline read, "Kim Jong Il, Ill."

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison

10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?
6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo "America's Got Talent" for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it OK if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a very sad day in America — Oscar Meyer passed away at the age of 95. He'll be buried later this week in sauerkraut and mustard.

Los Angeles has declared war on marijuana dispensaries, where you get medical marijuana for medical reasons . . . glaucoma, tunnel vision . . . strangely, half of Los Angeles is suffering from the scourge of tunnel vision.

It's an epidemic here. It's worse than Botox or lying about your age.

You have to get a prescription from your doctor, which is not difficult in this town. M.D. stands for "marijuana dude."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

 
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