Tuesday Dec 03 2013


According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

Today the White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Yeah, which is good because his current health plan doesn't cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.

Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free.

Amazon is testing the delivery of packages by drone. So today U.S. Forces began bombarding Afghanistan with "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Ozzy Osbourne turns 65 today. I thought he would be a bit older than that. He's too old to bite the heads off bats. Now he bites the tops off bottles of ointment.

A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant.

North Korea should make this their new tourist slogan: "North Korea: Come for the corruption. Stay because we won't let you leave."

Apparently New Zealand's the least corrupt country. The next five least corrupt countries are all in Scandinavia. Which proves what I've always said: It's hard to grease someone's palm when you're wearing wooly mittens.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama spoke today in defense of the Affordable Care Act. He said it's a disaster and he's sorry he tried.

Did you know the speeches he's made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it?

The president said despite the initial problems, it's working better now and going do continue to improve. A million people visited on Monday, mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?

Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week.

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