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Tuesday Nov 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.

You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.

The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.

When President Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Now don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work.

Late Show with David Letterman

I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie "Hunger Games." He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating.

Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along — and then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the oven, and she's tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we're all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring.

For the very first time, the Butterball turkey hotline has included male operators to answer questions. Depending on your turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's a big night tonight, the finale of "Dancing with the Stars." I don't know if you’ve been following the show, but the comedian was eliminated. Bill had the grace and easy elegance of a squirrel getting electrocuted.

On Juan-uary 5, a new season of "The Bachelor" begins. We have two words for you, America: Juan Pablo. He’s so cute, my gosh. Here is one more word: Juanderful. And Juan-in-a-million. Whoever came up with that should be sent to Juan-tanamo Bay.

It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. And I'm going to start dinner by telling my parents I'm gay. It never gets old!

After Thanksgiving, we take a nose-dive into what is probably the worst day of the year, Black Friday. Some shoppers have been sleeping outside the stores since Monday of last week. That's nuts — and a very good way to get on the local news.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama just can't catch a break. He gave an immigration speech yesterday in San Francisco and got heckled by a guy yelling something about stopping deportations. Obama was cool, he said the man was entitled to free speech, and then he turned to his security and said, "Deport that guy."

The big news this week is that the U.S. finally got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange, the U.S. has freed up $8 billion of Iran's assets. When asked how it plans to spend the money, Iran said, "We're going to buy nuclear weapons."

A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football.

Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you're married, it's actually located in your wife's brain.

 
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