Monday Nov 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off.

The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight.

They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia.

President Obama's approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here's how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he's pardoning this week? The turkey said: No pictures. It didn't want to be seen.

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you aware of the turkey shortage? Now the White House has stepped in so people won't panic. They said yes, there's a turkey shortage, but don't worry, it's only a web site problem. They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year.

This year Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah are on the same day. I'm no theologian, but I think what that means is eight days of leftovers.

The forecast for Thursday is a wintery mix of rain, freezing rain, sleet, and snow. I feel so bad for the guy who has to deliver my pizza that day.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thanksgiving travel will be especially unpleasant because of the big storm. More than 500 flights out of Dallas-Fort Worth were canceled. I think this is God's way of saying: Stay home and overcook your own turkey.

The FCC is reconsidering the ban on cellphone use on planes. So not only do you get to watch the lady eating a tuna fish sandwich she brought from home, you get to hear her yell at her husband while she does it.

There are ways to make air travel much, much worse. I think it's fine if people want to make calls from the plane, but I think they should have to step outside to do it.

Am I the only one who thinks the government should focus on something else? I would like to see the ban lifted on 4-ounce bottles of Pantene shampoo. First thing I'm going to do is order a large pepperoni pizza and have it delivered to the sky.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama announced that the U.S. and Iran have reached an important step in freezing Iran's nuclear program. When asked how they'd finally reached the agreement, Iran said, "Patience, compromise, and oh, we lied. Not in that order, actually."

People are talking about how Obama was finally able to get this deal with Iran. What happened was, Obama got tired of trying to fix healthcare and said, "Give me an easier problem. Iranian nukes! I'm on it. That's much better than what I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks."

They're saying a major winter storm is heading east, which could affect millions of Americans on the busiest travel day of the year. Bad news is, you won't get to break the wishbone with your relatives this year. The good news is that's probably the wish you made last year.

The Patriots overcame six fumbles and a score of 24-0 to beat the Broncos in overtime. It was amazing. They came back from dropping the ball and being down 24 points. Or, as Obama put it, "What's your secret?"

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