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Tuesday Nov 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We're very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that's how many people have signed up for Obamacare.

Vice President Joe Biden said today, “Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing.” Today God said, “Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.”

Happy birthday to Larry King. We don’t know Larry's exact age because he won’t submit to carbon dating.

Editor's Note: 75% of Seniors Make This $152,000 Social Security Mistake

Conan

Today's the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it's also Larry King's birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, "Didn't talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?"

President Obama is being criticized for not attending today's ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's "Sorry about this crappy website" speech.

Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.

The Oxford Dictionary has named "selfie" the word of the year, narrowly beating out "twerk." In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday. They'll put it in the ground.

Editor's Note: Seniors Scoop Up Unclaimed $20,500 Checks? (See if You qualify)

Late Show with David Letterman

There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

Happy birthday to Larry King. He's 80 years old today. It's also his 30th year of looking 80.

According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email.

So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It's all paid by tax dollars.

Editor's Note: Weird Trick Adds $1,000 to Your Social Security Checks

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday, Larry King. It is Larry's 80th birthday. He says he is 80. Yeah, right. And I'm 25. When Larry King says he's made it to 80, I think he means 80 wives.

Some of Larry King's childhood friends threw him a party. By childhood friends I mean Joan Rivers, Julius Caesar, and a pterodactyl.

Larry King's friends yelled "Surprise!" and Larry said, "What, I'm still married?"

Halfway through the party, Larry was replaced by Piers Morgan and everyone left.

Obamacare Alert: Massive Rule Changes to Affect Your Medicare

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight we'll celebrate birthday number 80 with Larry King. Most men his age are wandering around the beach with a metal detector. Not Larry. Larry is here to party. I would pay to see a drunken Larry King.

Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids watching who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game.

The Oxford English Dictionary announced their word of the year for 2013, and it is "selfie." Don't you dare clap for that. I am upset that I even know — I am upset that it has been wedged into my brain — never mind being encouraged to honor it as the word of the year.

Variety is reporting that there will be a sequel to "It's a Wonderful Life" in 2015. I would call it "It's a Terrible Idea."

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he’s not going anywhere, even after his recent crack scandal. He said he hopes to run for prime minister of Canada one day. When asked what party he'd choose, he said, "Why choose one? I usually hit, like, five parties a night."

Butterball, the country’s largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it’s because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us.

Wildlife officials in India are now putting wild monkeys on birth control to help curb the recent population spike. This is good for wildlife, and even better for female monkeys who want to focus on their careers.

Happy birthday to Larry King. Larry's family and friends threw him a surprise party for his 80th birthday. That's what all 80-year-olds want, a surprise. And he was pretty surprised, but not as surprised as I was to hear he's only 80 years old.

Obamacare Alert: Massive Rule Changes to Affect Your Medicare

 
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