Monday Nov 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.

The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there.

Toronto's city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, “I am definitely not leaving this job.” Hey Mr. Mayor, that’s what I used to say!

Yesterday during the Jets game in Buffalo a fan accidentally fell out of the third deck of the stadium. He's OK, but he took quite a fall. Now, don't confuse that with what fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars are doing. They're jumping on purpose.

Editor's Note: Weird Trick Adds $1,000 to Your Social Security Checks

Late Show with David Letterman

How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.

The world's oldest living creature passed away — a 507-year-old clam. It was laid to rest today in the chowder at Red Lobster.

Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off.

Here's an interesting fact. When Lincoln was doing the Gettysburg Address he kept making changes at the last second before the speech. He drove the cue card guy nuts.

Editor's Note: Over 50? Check Out These Free Government Giveaways...

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 88 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."

I love Mickey Mouse. I love the squeaky voice, the happy face, the little shorts. Wait, I'm thinking of Richard Simmons.

Here in Southern California, you can see Mickey Mouse anytime. Just go to Disneyland. All you need is a way to get to Anaheim and about 500 bucks for a ticket to get in.

I always thought it's weird they sell those hats in Disneyland that look like mouse ears. It's grisly. It's like saying I love Mickey Mouse so much that I want to wear his scalp on my head.

Editor's Note: 75% of Seniors Make This $152,000 Social Security Mistake

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more.

Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about.

Every time he's in public, Rob Ford does something great. He's my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season.

I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they're nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together.

Editor's Note: Video Exposes Dangers of Obamacare Law

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Police were called out to Justin Bieber's house on Friday. He was throwing a party with Snoop Lion and apparently it got too loud. Of course, Snoop ran out the back — but not to avoid the cops. He just didn't want to be seen partying with Justin Bieber.

That Justin Bieber party was probably nothing compared to what Miley Cyrus has planned. People say she’s got a huge party in the works for her 21st birthday this weekend. You can tell she's excited because she's been wearing her birthday suit for the past 11 months.

The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost "only" $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, "You guys stink at running a business."

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

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