Friday Nov 15 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

According to a report released yesterday, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I can't believe that. There's not a million people in California who have CAR insurance.

President Obama apologized for this whole healthcare debacle. He said today, "We fumbled." Well, a fumble is a turnover. That can happen to anyone. This is more like, “We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football.”

Toronto's city council voted 39-3 to strip Mayor Rob Ford of some of his powers. Here's the amazing part. The mayor and his brother are being given their own reality show. That's depressing, isn't it? This maniac will have a TV show and I won't.

Editor's Note: Weird Trick Adds $1,000 to Your Social Security Checks

Late Show with David Letterman

They're going to have a big lottery drawing this weekend. Being in the lottery, you have the same chance of winning if you're not in the lottery.

Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It's the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It's virtually impossible.

So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.

The No. 1 movie in the world now is "Thor." It's all about a guy named Thor who saves the world with his giant hammer. He also has a medium-sized hammer he uses to tenderize veal. And he has a tiny hammer to test your reflexes.

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there.

Mike Tyson says that he was high on drugs when he was boxing. The question he was asked was, "Why are you qualified to be the next mayor of Toronto?"

Today is America Recycles Day. It's the day we're all encouraged to recycle. I do my part every year by recycling stuff from this show.

America Recycles Day is a special day. It's the day that Al Gore lands on roofs with a reusable bag of kale for all the good boys and girls. He usually gets stuck in the chimney.

Editor's Note: Video Exposes Dangers of Obamacare Law

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he’s refusing to step down. Despite all this, he’s announced that he’ll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, “How can I get Canadian TV?”

Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it.

Heinz ketchup announced that it will cut more than 1,300 jobs over the next eight months. They say they just don't have a lot of money left in their budget. Then people said, "Have you tried turning it upside down and letting it sit for a few minutes?

Special: Losing Weight After Age 50 -- Six Tips to Shed Pounds

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