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Wednesday Nov 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first game of the season the other night. They beat the Miami Dolphins 22-19. This was an important loss for the Dolphins because they proved they can embarrass themselves without Richie Incognito.

Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with various leaders of the American Indian tribes. He promised them, "If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man."

On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind.

According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico.

Editor's Note: 75% of Seniors Make This $152,000 Social Security Mistake

Conan

You know that smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov? She asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her — at Healthcare.gov.

In a dispute with the Kraft corporation, Starbucks has been ordered to pay $2.7 billion. To put that in Starbucks terms, that is three lattes.

The Canadian government has ruled its doctors are no longer allowed to prescribe heroin. Folks, I think the real story here is that until recently in Canada a doctor could give you heroin.

Editor's Note: Weird Trick Adds $1,000 to Your Social Security Checks

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City is in a drought crisis. We haven't had rain since Labor Day. It's killing the rhubarb.

We know longer have a water cooler here, which means that the staff has to go someplace else to complain about me.

Kim Kardashian was pulled over and arrested for speeding. You'd think the one fleeing would be Kanye West.

Pope Francis has been named the most discussed person on the Internet. The second most discussed person on the Internet is his daughter Miley Francis.

Editor's Note: Seniors Scoop Up Unclaimed $20,500 Checks? (See if You qualify)

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Sadie Hawkins Day. It is the day a woman can ask a man out for a date or a dance. I think women can now do that any day they like, but today's the day they can do it without the guilt and passive aggression.

Don't confuse Sadie Hawkins Day with Stephen Hawkins Day. That is when girls are allowed to ask guys about the basic principles of theoretical physics.

Editor's Note: Over 50? Check Out These Free Government Giveaways...

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I turned 46 today. I had cookies, chocolate chip cookies, banana cream pie, lobster and crab roll, and a slice of cake all before 1:00 this afternoon. My co-workers attempted to murder me with desserts.

The idea of a birthday cake is great when you think about it. Your friends and family gather around. It's like, "Oh, no, a cake is on fire. If someone doesn't put it out, we will all die." Then you step forward and say, "I've got this." You blow the fire out and everyone applauds. It's like being Superman — a very out-of-shape version of Superman.

We have music tonight from The Killers. It's our second night with them. They were here last night too. I guess that makes them Serial Killers.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted last week to having smoked crack while in office. Since then he has said multiple times that he will not step down. Legally they can't force him to. The city council held a meeting to vote on whether or not to ask him to resign. That seems very Canadian to me.

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It seems like everyone’s still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said “But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again.”

It turns out that a lot of children could lose their dental insurance under Obamacare. So kids might not be able to go to the dentist. Parents were really upset, while kids said, “Four more years! Four more years!”

I don’t know what’s happening with "Dancing With the Stars" this year, but people just aren’t watching as much as they used to. They’re trying to think of anything they can to boost ratings. In fact, I heard they might even try adding celebrities to the show.

It was just announced that “All My Children” has been canceled after it was moved online. Apparently, they forgot to consider one problem with that idea: Nobody's grandma knows how to go online.

Editor's Note: Video Exposes Dangers of Obamacare Law

 
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