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Tuesday Nov 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Yesterday President Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old. Today President Obama told him he can finally come home from Afghanistan.

It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: "If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us."

Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, "What do you think of 2016?" And Christie said, "I think it's a good weight to get down to."

German veterinarians have a tortoise moving again after giving him a Lego wheel as a prosthetic limb. That Obamacare is amazing, isn’t it? It’s just helping everyone.

Editor's Note: Over 50? Check Out These Free Government Giveaways...

Conan

Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare.

Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China.

The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner.

According to a recent study, Southern accents were voted the sexiest of all American accents. Boston accents came in 87th right after a deer being gutted.

Obamacare Alert: Massive Rule Changes to Affect Your Medicare

Late Show with David Letterman

"60 Minutes" had a story that turned out not to be true about Benghazi. They had to apologize. And then today they were embarrassed again. It turns out the stopwatch on "60 Minutes" is not accurate.

CBS has a wonderful new special. It's "Thanksgiving at the Incognitos" starring Richie Incognito. He's the bullying guy from the Miami Dolphins. In this special, Richie stuffs a turkey into a locker.

A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey.

My wife got a hold of some bacon-scented deodorant and then she found some fried eggs cologne. And then for Halloween we went trick-or-treating as a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

Editor's Note: Warren Buffett’s Secret to Wealth — The Bible?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a big day if you're into numerology. 11/12/13 — you know what that means? Nothing.

Numerology should not be confused with number theory. Number theory is the study of integers, mathematical constants, and theorems. Numerology is — what's the word? Crap. Balderdash. Poppycock. Hokum.

People wanted to be married on 11/12/13. Because who doesn't love getting invited to a wedding on a Tuesday?

Editor's Note: 75% of Seniors Make This $152,000 Social Security Mistake

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It is a special date today. Today is November 12, 2013, or 11/12/13. You realize what that means, right? It means nothing.

For the first time in 32 years, Butterball is adding male staffers to their Thanksgiving turkey talk line, the phone number you can call if you are having trouble cooking your turkey. One of the guys just yells questions to his wife in the other room.

Men are taking over turkey duties partly because women are focused on a cherished Thanksgiving tradition — shopping on Black Friday. Some retailers plan to open on Thanksgiving day itself. If you're shopping for Christmas on Thanksgiving day, you either love or really hate your family, I'm not sure which.

If only there were some kind of device that would allow us to purchase things while wearing pajamas and have them shipped directly to our homes so we wouldn't have to shop on Thanksgiving.

Editor's Note: Seniors Scoop Up Unclaimed $20,500 Checks? (See if You qualify)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that President Obama brings a portable security tent with him on overseas trips so that he can read classified documents. They set this tent up in his hotel room. Obama said it's a good way to avoid being spied on while he keeps track of who he has spied on.

There are reports that Tim Tebow may stop playing football altogether and look for work as a TV announcer. Most people heard that and said, "Well, you're already halfway there."

Actually, Tim Tebow is being somewhat realistic. He says he’s just looking for job as a college football commentator. Or at least as a backup college football commentator.

The British government created fake LinkedIn profiles in order to spy on other countries. Because if there's one place you can find accurate information about foreign leaders, it's the website where everyone lies about what they've done.

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

 
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