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Monday Nov 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy Veterans Day. President Obama today honored our oldest living veteran, who is 107 years old. So congratulations to Senator John McCain.

A new record was set today in the 100 meters. It was set by Senate Democrats running away from Obamacare.

President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage.

According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you're interested in the job, no need to submit a résumé, they have all your information already. They will call you.

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

Conan

It is Veterans Day. A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see the president finally getting along so well with John McCain.

This week's climate change talks are taking place in Poland and they're going to focus on China, the world's biggest polluter. However, that discussion may get awkward on Wednesday when China buys Poland.

During the European MTV Music Awards, Miley Cyrus went on stage and twerked with a dwarf. It's a pretty sad day when you have to ask a dwarf how he could stoop so low.

Editor's Note: Over 50? Check Out These Free Government Giveaways...

Late Show with David Letterman

We have a drought in New York City. It has not rained since Labor Day. It's going to kill the New York City wheat.

A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant.

Bacon-scented deodorant is perfect if you're dating Paula Dean.

Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring.

Editor's Note: Video Exposes Dangers of Obamacare Law

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The state of Washington is 124 years old today. We all know that Washington state was named after one of our greatest Americans — of course, Denzel Washington.

There's some beautiful scenery in Washington. Mount St. Helens is one of the most active volcanoes in the U.S. I wouldn't want my home near something that unstable. Then again, I live on the same block as Charlie Sheen.

Editor's Note: Warren Buffett’s Secret to Wealth — The Bible?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the New York Giants, who got their third straight game after beating the Raiders. Which goes to show that if you work hard and really believe in yourself, eventually you'll play a team that's even worse than you.

A lot of couples are planning on getting married tomorrow because the date will be 11/12/13. Couples say they like 11/12/13 because it's a unique date that will never happen again. In a related story, that's literally how EVERY date works.

Of course, their wedding guests will always remember it — mainly because the couple made them come to a wedding on a Tuesday.

A team of scientists from Cornell made news recently for creating a robot that can hold a knife. Or as robots will tell their grandkids, "That is when the revolution began."

Editor's note: 3 Signs You’re Close to a Heart Attack

 
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