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Thursday Nov 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.

As I'm sure you’re heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: "Just say yes."

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys.

According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.

Editor's Note: Video Exposes Dangers of Obamacare Law

Conan

Today Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning.

In Colorado, voters have approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. So kids, don't do drugs but stay in the schools funded by them.

Happy birthday to the Lamborghini automobile company. Lamborghini is now 50 years old. You can tell Lamborghini is 50 because it bought itself a Porsche.

Editor's note: 3 Signs You’re Close to a Heart Attack

Late Show with David Letterman

Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford's approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he's smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal?

They had prostate exams on the "Today" show this morning. I can't argue with the importance of having your prostate checked. The idea of doing it during breakfast, I don't know. The last thing you want to hear during breakfast is the snapping of rubber gloves.

The "Today" show did the prostate exams live. This really is the golden age of TV.

This is not the first time Matt Lauer has had a surgical procedure on the "Today" show. About a year ago he had Ann Currie removed.

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Did you see the "Today" show this morning? Matt Lauer and Al Roker got their prostates checked. On TV! This wasn't a typical broadcast of the "Today" show. It was more like an episode of "Bad Morning America."

Matt Lauer and Al Roker got prostate exams on TV. I want to know whose idea this was. Who gave it the thumbs up? I'll get to the bottom of this. We need to finger the culprit.

The prostate exams only took 30 seconds at the very end of the show. You didn't actually see the procedure. Matt Lauer and Al Roker just disappeared into offices. All you saw was a closed door. I felt so cheated.

You know what NBC should have done? Brought in a magician to perform the examination. He could pull out a never-ending string of handkerchiefs.

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Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Blockbuster announced that it will close all of its remaining stores in the U.S. by sometime early next year. Blockbuster’s going out of business. So it looks like I'm now the proud owner of a VHS copy of “True Lies."

I'm not sure why Blockbuster is losing so much money. Maybe I'll watch a documentary about it on Netflix.

Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin’s confession — or as Putin calls it, "bragging."

Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama's Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

 
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