Tuesday Nov 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

There's now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country's supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works.

NSA whistle-blower and traitor Edward Snowden, living in asylum in Russia, has released a manifesto directed at the United States claiming that telling the truth should not be a crime. And believe me, there's no better place to celebrate free speech, truth, and equal rights than in Russia.

Scientists say that women with larger butts are smarter. I believe the study was funded by the Kardashian Institute for Scientific Research.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that he smoked crack cocaine. He said, “Yes, I smoked crack, but I was in a drunken stupor when I did it.” Well, at least he had a good excuse.

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New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, "I came back for seconds."

Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, "Four score and seven years ago . . ."

Some health experts believe being an NFL coach might be the most stressful job in America. The second most stressful job in America is being an NFL parole officer.

Members of "Duck Dynasty" are releasing their own brands of wines. Wine experts are saying that it's red wine with varmints and white wine with critters.

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Late Show with David Letterman

New York City is going to get a new mayor. It's between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That's all I know.

The tall white guy is really tall. He's 6'7". This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he's elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy.

Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We'll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That's three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money.

One year ago today President Obama won re-election. And it's been smooth sailing ever since.

Editor's Note: Warren Buffett’s Secret to Wealth — The Bible?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory.

In New Jersey, they re-elected Chris Christie by a HUGE margin. Is there any other way?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford fessed up to smoking crack. He said he smoked the crack when he was in "a drunken stupor." Is that a defense? That doesn't absolve you of your behavior. It's like saying, "I killed the guy, but I was drunk." "Well Ok, run along then. Don't do it again."

How come Rob Ford guy is still in office? I guess Canadians are too polite to tell a crackhead to step down.

Obamacare Alert: Massive Rule Changes to Affect Your Medicare

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced that Joe Biden will travel to Asia to make up for President Obama's trip that was canceled because of the government shutdown. Seriously? That's like Justin Timberlake canceling a show and sending the banjo players from those Geico ads to take his place.

Last week CNN had its lowest ratings in more than a year with just 385,000 viewers. You can tell they're worried about money by Wolf Blitzer's new show: "The Situation Roommate."

Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, “Government Bullies.” When asked for comment, Paul said, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

A school in Tennessee is facing criticism for separating students with bad grades from students with good grades at lunch. That’s crazy! You don’t use grades to separate kids. Everyone knows that kids should be separated by clothes, looks, and how much money their parents make.

Editor's Note: Over 50? Check Out These Free Government Giveaways...

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