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Monday Nov 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Did you all turn your clocks back an hour over the weekend? It is easy to remember "spring ahead, fall back." It's like trying to log on to Obamacare. You spring ahead, make a little progress, then you fall back.

According to CBS news, on the first day of open enrollment for Obamacare, only six people signed up. Today they released their names: They are Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doc. That’s according to the creator of the website: Dopey.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able to sign up for "PutinCare."

According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof.

Conan

Yesterday everybody gained an hour from daylight saving time. Well, now you're about to waste one, so it's going to come out perfectly even.

This weekend had the first YouTube awards. Eminem won. Second runner-up was a cat walking across a piano.

On Sunday, the New York City Marathon was won in both the men's and women's divisions by Kenyans. Coming in a close second were some other Kenyans.

British scientists are saying King Tut died in a chariot accident. I think he was texting.

Late Show with David Letterman

Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa.

It's been a big year for Vladimir Putin. People magazine also named him the sexiest dictator alive.

A man from Kenya was the winner of New York City's marathon. He ran the marathon, collected his first-place medal, and then ran back to Kenya.

They're going to make the marathon really exciting next year. They're going to open all the manholes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is one of my favorite days of the year — the day after daylights saving time ends. There is one negative. It marks the beginning of a four-month period of my clock on my microwave being an hour wrong.

The new iPad came out on Friday. It's the iPad Air. This is what I think is the most interesting thing about it — it's just a box full of air. There's nothing in it. Apple wanted to see what they could get away with and we fell for it again.

I hope you had a fun and festive Halloween. I have a lot of leftover candy. Every day when the mailman comes, I hand him some and tell him his costume is great.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We have Arizona Senator John McCain on the show tonight. We'll talk to him about the government shutdown, Obamacare, and of course his surprise third-place finish at yesterday's New York City Marathon.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he's winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said "margarine."

Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels.

I just heard that the Kellogg’s cereal company is cutting 7 percent of its workforce because of low revenue. Or as one guy put it, “Not Grrreeat!”

 
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