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Tuesday Oct 29 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Just when you thought the state of American healthcare couldn't get any worse, Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's doctor, has been released from jail.

For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered.

Have you tried to get on the Obamacare website? Oh, it is slow! It is so slow that by the time you sign up for Obamacare you’ll be eligible for Medicare. It's slower than a ticket scalper at a Jacksonville Jaguars game.

Conan

All week we're celebrating 20 years of being on late-night TV. This week we celebrate 20 years of jokes and 20 years of Andy Richter's fake laughing.

We are posting online many of our rare or never-before-seen clips from the show's past 20 years. You can see them online but if you really want a laugh, go to HealthCare.gov. That's where the good chuckles are.

It has been 20 years on the air and everyone in my family is very emotional. My dad called me this morning and he told me something he has never said to me before. He said, "Son, we don't have cable TV." I wept for an hour.

Late Show with David Letterman

Guess who's out of prison? Dr. Conrad Murray. He was sentenced to four years in prison, and he served only two years. But he had to serve his time in the prison waiting room.

Dr. Conrad Murray wants his license back. I mean, honest to God, that's like giving a Kardashian a marriage license.

President Obama's Facebook account was hacked. It was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, "Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?"

The Jonas Brothers have broken up. Thanks a lot, Yoko.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Bob Barker will appear on "The Price Is Right" to mark his 90th birthday. Bob said he'll do something he should have been done long ago — spay and neuter Drew Carey.

President Obama is still in trouble for this spying stuff. You can tell he is getting tired of talking about this scandal. Today he said, "Anyone want to talk about my birth certificate?"

Obama is also being criticized for the Obamacare website. You know what's wrong with that website? A lot of the people trying to sign up for Obamacare are elderly. So you've already lost them at "website."

The Jonas Brothers have broken up. The music industry is in mourning. It's kind of like when the Beatles announced they were breaking up — minus the part where people gave a crap.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Red Sox are up 3-2 in the World Series with the last two games at home in Boston. Cardinals fans are not feeling good, but it ain't over until the lady who is actually a healthy weight but made to feel fat adhering to impossible standards set by advertisers sings.

As baseball wraps up, a new NBA season tips off. It's the special time when we have baseball, football, and basketball at the same time — the holy trinity of ignoring our families.

Tonight the Lakers played the Clippers. Here's an interesting fact: When L.A. basketball teams play each other, a new baby Kardashian is born.

According to the National Retail Federation, around 158 million people will celebrate Halloween in the United States this year, down from 170 million last year. How does the National Retail Federation know this? I don't know if I am going to celebrate Halloween — but they do?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Krispy Kreme says it will give a free doughnut to any customer who shows up wearing a costume on Halloween. So if you're the kind of person willing to take the time to dress up in a costume just to get a free doughnut, then yes, you've hit rock bottom.

A new study found that eating pasta can actually cause depression. Though not as much as that other thing — dressing up like Batman to get a free doughnut.

Americans are expected to spend more than $2 billion on Halloween candy this year. And those Americans are Honey Boo Boo and Mama June.

A blooper reel from the original "Star Wars" movies was leaked online this week. That's right — a series of embarrassing "Star Wars" mistakes caught on film. Or as fans call that: the last three "Star Wars" movies.

 
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