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Tuesday Oct 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.

Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it's confusing because it's not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.

Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.

Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that's under the good coverage of Obamacare — where you're actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.

Conan

The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets.

Over the weekend a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Out of habit the parents briefly looked over the newborn baby and then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a "k" like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn't, so we don't.

There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it's hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?

In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, "This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website."

The new iPad will be available on November 1. And it is important that you get it right away. Otherwise you could be mistaken for a homeless person and restaurants will refuse to seat you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can't use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, "Look who's come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine."

The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.

A woman in California gave birth to a baby boy last Friday while she was in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. They made her do it on the “New Arrivals” table.

In pop music news, the band One Direction released a 16-second clip of their newest song, “Story of My Life." Yeah, just 16 seconds. But in their defense, that’s about how long it takes to tell the story of their life.

 
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